Med school is filled with...

incredibly talented individuals.

When was the last time you heard classical music? And not just out of a CD player or iTunes etc. Look, I walked down the hall in my dorm, mostly chipper, to my sliver of a room (7'x15'). The vibrations overtook my ear, the acoustics must be decent in the hallway, its a cello for sure because of the register. But more than the register, its the rich strong martial textures, like a guard. If you played the right series of notes, I would be forbidden from passing.

I smile and think to myself, "yet another virtuoso within arm's reach", I'm so spoiled, I live with too many virtuosos. Like a bratty kid with too many bonnets and candies is me. Pampered and primped, living with too many virtuosos, because apparently virtuosos are a dime a dozen here. Being incredibly enthusiastic about music I stopped in to say hello and to maybe mooch a free performance. I'm here because I am the foremost virtuoso at mooching...

I was right, cello this time. First, its such a beautiful instrument, it really is. The sound fills the room, but not in that affected, irritating cocktail party guest way. But instead more in that humble realization in meeting true greatness, hello I'm the sound, here I am, not rubbing it in or trying to make you feel inadequate, but feel free stare because this is real-deal kind of way. So, I guess instead one should say the sound holds up the room instead of filling it. Second, get the story, uh huh started playing young, you're kidding? uh huh conservatory, uh huh yes yes thats fine, all very interesting, but your value is not your story, its the skill you sacrificed so much to acquire. Its the trade you made all those days in your life, that we didn't make. That is your gift. That is what people who seek beauty are after, so play.

Third, wow, he can play. Its a truly moving sight and sound. As I sat there delighted, the music was a spirit filling the room, and the spirit whispered something in my ear having to do with...protein folding

But first, I have to plug the pieces. One classic and one I had never heard it before - Beethoven's ninth (4th movement of course) and one called called Julie-O. Man it wrecked me, the emotion of the pieces match me like prints at a crime scene. I often wonder if my level of music appreciation is shared by others, because it is such a high to watch it happen.

So whats a protein? Primarily, a polypeptide sequence, a chain of amino acids. It folds, bends, twists into its various conformations ultimately providing critical functions to the organism - hemoglobin, collagen, glyceraldehyde phosphate dehydrogenase... the list goes on for a very long time. But if the sequence is not just right, if it is off by so much as a few atoms (yes that's right atoms) you can have a meaningless, ineffective, many times harmful variation. Thus, the sequence determines whether or not the photoreceptors in your eyes respond to blue wavelengths of light, and the sequence dictates whether or not the sodium channels of your optic nerve can fully communicate that "blue" to the neurotransmitters in your visual cortex and later hippocampus so that the actin and myosin proteins in the muscle fibers of your face can say, "My wasn't the sky beautiful this morning?" All of it brought to you by proteins in an astronomically improbable exactly right sequence. The sequence gives us life. Hold that thought.

So the cello is a lifeless inanimate object by itself, and when it was in my hands it was not much different. I took a hand in playing it- lets just say you won't be seeing my name in lights next to the word "cello" anytime this fall concert season. I may have been causing it pain, at least judging from the way it sounded when I so clumsily bowed. That said, when it was in our player's hands, it was immediately transformed into an object that was capable of communicating and although there were no physical differences between he and I, I saw that it was the combination of the movements of his fingers that mattered. The sequence of notes communicated to me a subjective experience of beauty and hope made from the same building blocks I had, fingers, strings, and a bow. And yes, even if his sequence deviated slightly, if his intonation faltered, or for a moment was off by a quarter step (he wasn't), how that would change the experience. But if played perfectly, down to the atom, he gives the cello life. As I observed him play Beethoven's ninth, I remarked how every note is perfect, the sequence is perfect, and that he brought the cello to life and it communicated to me.

Maybe Beethoven's ninth symphony has 100,000 notes, lets be generous, 10,000,000 notes. Play them all perfectly and you are moved. It stirs emotions in you. You are moved, inspired, motivated. You make decisions, you now have plans, very important plans. There are 10,000,000 times 10,000,000 proteins in the tip of your pinky finger alone all working exactly perfectly at any given moment. Exactly sequenced, in perfect synchrony, performing on a nanosecond time signature. Include the rest of your body the number is so great, it no longer is a number as we know it. Consider the symphony of proteins vibrating in your body just this moment... the complexity and beauty of your sequence is beyond comprehension. The sequence is you.

I received the communication loud and clear. I am humbled.

Good vibrations...

This post is specifically for you...
You know who you are.

Today is a big day for you, big changes... but even bigger opportunities.
There is always a little anxiety, maybe a lot of anxiety.

Isn't it funny how naming your fears defangs them?

I am afraid of failing out of school because I believe others will think I'm not qualified, intelligent, successful.
I am afraid that I made the wrong decision because I'm not 100% enthusiastic about it, all the time.
I am afraid of being alone by myself at night because everybody else seems to have someone, it must mean something is wrong with me.
I am afraid of leaving the comfort of my established life because learning a new way is painful sometimes.
I am afraid of living far away from loved ones because I feel less protected.
I am afraid because I don't feel in control, I don't know what to expect, there is a lot that is unknown, I could be hurt, look bad...

Name them. These fears are like vines choking you. You have to follow these fears all the way back to their roots. If you've neglected corners of your garden specific vines may be overgrown, tangled and windy, back and forth, in and out of different rooms, wrapped in hopelessly complex knots, intractably present for the duration. What are you going to do? Unnamed fears will eventually choke you, lead to poor decisions, and missed attempts if not properly handled. But you just can't pull at the vines, they will keep coming back.

Let me ask you something, when you're not anxious- why is that? What is there?

Why are you not afraid to drive to the supermarket?
Why are you not afraid to spend the night with me?
Why are perfectly fearless when it comes to climbing up a rock wall?
Why is there a smile at the thought of a vacation to... oh I don't know, Nantucket?

... Hmmmmmmm, lets think about that.

Because when you do not fear, you are living with faith.

Remember that, faith and fear cannot coexist- they are like positive and negative charges- both cannot be present at the same time and place. Not in these United States, not in this spacetime continuum. Not gonna happen chief.

At the root of all your fears, yes thats right all of them, is a deficit (hopefully temporary) in faith.

When faith gets a hold of the roots of those vines, that's it, the vine dies. No exceptions. Faith is like poison to fear. Then its only a matter of time before the whole nasty thing shrivels, dries, cracks, and disintegrates. From this point forward - easy cleanup.

So, whenever you feel anxious, waste no time -get straight to the root, even if the thing has thorns, go right there, immediately, no coffee break, no warm up. Be rigorous in your self honesty- shine the white light, and see what's living where.

I know you already know this, but you have to have this on the front burner, not the back burner, especially now that you are on a new trajectory. Be aware of your faith in whatever you are doing, from faith in God to the faith that this delicious peach I'm chewing will not kill me.

Then act, without fear.

Acting in faith is the essence of courage.

You're gonna do great, and be fulfilled, challenged, exhausted, bored, alarmed, pissed, panicked, emotional, laughing, and at the end of the day - something strange will be creeping up behind you, stepping lightly with pep and stealth, like a benevolent ninja. All of the sudden tap tap on the shoulder...
"What? I'm tired, can't we do this tomorrow?"
Ninja: "No, turn around, this can't wait."
"Are you sure, I'm very busy, I've got a lot of things to do, and I have to get to bed because I want a full night's rest, I want to be on top of my game tomorrow, cant this wait?"
Ninja: "No, this can't wait, I know you're very busy, you have to turn around."
"Who are you?"
Ninja: "Happiness, I'm happiness, I can sneak up on you because you are busy constructing a productive and fulfilling life. Psssst, you can always find me by not looking for me"

"...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"

Orientation Pt.1

At 9AM Monday morning the check-in and welcome tables were staffed by bright beautiful second year medical students ready introduce us incoming first years to our new lives. I had moved in the previous Saturday night, and so like everything else in my life I tried to be early, or ahead, or upstream. See, even if it doesn't matter, even if there could be no possible benefit, I strive to be prepared, or ready. Because, what if it could somehow matter? There are a lot things of which I'm blissfully unaware, so what if this is another drop in the bucket of "I knew not"? Its this type of reasoning that among other decisions most recently informed my choice for the ultra small, ultra cheap 7'x15' "railroad suite" with indirect river view dorm room. Anybody could sense my delight as I skipped down the hallway smugly feasting on the thought of my future savings and humming, "I'm paying half of what everybody else is, and at such and such interest rate compounded annually I'm saving..." In any case, I was present before the table promptly by a quarter of nine and received my schedule for the week's events. Among the highlights were billiards night, dinner and theater (Broadway of course), boat cruise with dental, Hippocratic Oath, and finally the "master" promissory note signing. Interspersed between these events were scavenger hunts, upper class and faculty lunches, administrative lectures, field day competitions, trivia nights, interest group fairs, and exploratory trips (think museums, harbors, shopping). One of the second-year staffers was able to identify me because she was my sister's college roommate and recognized my name. It felt nice to have made a connection, no matter how small.

The first event of the day was to meet with our orientation group and team leader... at 2:30PM. So much for being ready! I used the time to buy a fitted sheet for my mattress, wander around the Dominican Republic... I mean the Heights, check on produce prices (peaches are cheap), and see about acquiring that hot plate I needed to make instant espresso in my room every morning. With time to spare, I played basketball with a newly acquainted first year. Finally at 2:20 PM, I found myself in a classroom as my fellow classmates began to shuffle in, I was so excited to meet our group. Our leader introduced himself. We have an Olympic athlete in our class, a swimmer. One guy worked for the Department of Defense for ten years before coming here. I asked him if he thought our current war was necessary. What do you think he said? He said, "its a terrible waste" Another girl was a child star and singer. This guy right here, he played at Carnegie Hall. This other guy grew up on an oil compound in Saudi Arabia. Everyone was very accomplished and interesting. To break the ice we played a game called "two truths and a lie". Its actually a pretty good way to get to know someone, you say two things that are true and the third is a lie... then let everyone else figure it out. Good class.

Of Francis Bacon

Sir Francis Bacon was a sixteenth century English theologian, philosopher, scientist, and statesman. He is absolutely one of my favorite authors; his writings provide immense insight into my own life. It is with great pleasure that I introduce whosoever reads this blog to some of his work! 

"Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider." - Of Empire

Words like that make me smile. Ok here we go...

Of Wisdom's for a man's self... 

     "...Divide with reason between self-love and society, and be so true to thyself as thou be not false to others... It is a poor center of a man's actions, himself. The referring of all to a man's self is more tolerable in a sovereign prince, his good and evil is at peril of the public fortune. But it is a desperate evil in a citizen in a republic. For whatsoever affairs pass such a man's hand, he crooketh them to his own ends.  And this is the case of bad officers, treasurers, ambassadors, generals, and other false and corrupt servants, which set a bias... of their own petty ends and envies.  And certainly it is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. And yet these men many times hold credit with their masters, because their study is but to please them and profit themselves..."

    "Wisdom for a man's self is a depraved thing. It is the wisdom of rats, that will be sure to leave a house somewhat before it fall... It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour... But that which is specially to be noted is, that those which are sui amantes sine rivali [lovers of themselves without rivals] are many times unfortunate. And whereas they have all their time sacrificed to themselves, they become in the end themselves sacrifices to the inconstancy of fortune, whose wings they thought to have pinioned by their self wisdom."

Did you take anything from that? 

Here's another,

Of Riches...

     "I cannot call riches better than the baggage of virtue. The roman word is better, impedimenta. For as the baggage is to an army, so is riches to virtue, it can not be spared or left behind... Of great riches there is no real use, except it be in the distribution; the rest is but conceit. So saith Solomon, "Where much is, there are many to consume it; and what hath the owner but the sight of it with his eyes?" ... Do you not see what feigned prices are set upon little stones and rarities, and what works of ostentation are undertaken, because there might be some use of great riches? But then you will say, they may be of use to buy men out of dangers or troubles. As Solomon saith, "Riches are as a stronghold in the imagination of the rich man." But this is excellently expressed, that it is in imagination, and not always in fact. For certainly great riches have sold more men than they have bought. Seek not proud riches, but such as thou mayest get justly, use soberly, distribute cheerfully, and leave contentedly. Have no abstract nor friarly contempt of them... But distinguish, as Cicero saith well, "In his keeness to increase his wealth it was apparent that he was not seeking a prey for avarice to feed upon, but an instrument for good to work with"... Hearken also to Solomon, and beware of hasty gathering of riches, "He who makes haste to be rich shall not be innocent"... Plutus (which is riches) when sent from Jupiter, limps, but when sent from Pluto, is swift of foot: meaning that riches gotten by good means and just labour pace slowly, but when they come by the death of others, they come tumbling upon man... But it ought be applied likewise to Pluto, taking him for the devil, for when riches come from the devil (as by fraud and oppression and unjust means), they come upon speed..."

     "The gains of ordinary trades and vocations are honest, and furthered by two things chiefly: by diligence, and by a good name for good and fair dealing... When a man buys to not to hold, but to sell over again, that commonly grindeth double, both upon the seller and the buyer. Usury is the certainest means of gain, though one of the worst, as that whereby a man doth eat his bread in the sweat of another man's brow... the fortune in being the first in an invention or in a privilege doth cause sometimes a wonderful overgrowth in riches, as it was with the first sugar man in the Canaries... He that resteth upon gains shall hardly grow to great riches, and he that puts all upon adventures doth oftentimes break and come to poverty... Riches gotten by service, though it be of the best rise, yet when they are gotten by flattery and other servile conditions, they may be placed amongst the worst... believe not much them that seem to despise riches, for they despise them that despair of them; and none worse when they come to them. Be not pennywise; riches have wings, and sometimes they fly away of themselves, sometimes they must be set flying to bring in more... A great state left to an heir is as a lure to all the birds of prey round about to seize on him, if he be not the better established in years and judgement. Likewise, glorious gifts and foundations are like sacrifices without salt... which soon will putrefy and corrupt inwardly. Therefore measure not thine advancements by quantity, but frame them by measure and defer not charity till death."

What do you think? Does this still hold up in today's world? Thats a tough one to answer. See you next time.

Dear Mr. Edwards

Hi John

I'm not going to get on a soapbox and lambast you for having an affair- I have never met you and that's your business. I'm sorry for your wife and family (bear in mind that women have had their lives crushed for far far less than what you did). What I care about with regard to your behavior is that you lied. As a man, you lied. Seriously, you lied, and then you tried to cover it up. Finally, after you realized you had no way of avoiding the mess you created for yourself with more lies, you did the right thing and "came clean". You admitted it, like a "man". And as a man, I find that intolerable. You tried to get around your problems instead of going through them. You abused your power (of which you have plenty) and attempted to whitewash your sin. What did you think? You would just continue to get away with it? 

Moreover, you are a leader, a United States Senator! People are supposed to look up to you, apparently, and this is how you acted? Running into a bathroom (cozy up with the poor sad Larry Craig)? I would laugh at you if your actions didn't cause so much damage. And thats just it, you, I say you, John Edwards (and all other like you), are corroding this country because you have this damn "something for nothing" attitude. Where did you acquire such narcissistic pride? From your wealth? From your status? You need to get low, real low. 

While on the subject of lies, what else have you lied about? Or, are you not ready to "step up and face your mistake" until all available equivocations and plausible denials have been attempted? I personally think you have too much comfort in life. I'll bet you take things for granted that would be the height of luxury for a person like me, and you are also probably too caught up in your own reflection. 

Who's the father? Do the right thing, don't steamroll yet another life. If its yours -claim it. If not, then its "not your problem". In any event, you are newly obliged (given your party to this debacle, ahem... excuse me, love triangle) to identify the real "baby's daddy"

Stop lying.

Eugene Scharf

What you will be reading.

Hello and welcome to neurological ketchup! Please read on.

My name is Eugene Scharf and the purpose of this blog is to describe the experience of my life. The following topics are central to my life and as such will probably contribute the bulk of postings.
-Brain science, cognition, and intelligence.
-Life as a medical student at an ivy league school.
-The importance of a good family, and why it doesn't matter even if you didn't have one.
-Applicable positive psychology.
-Life advice, quotes, lessons, diversions etc.
-Sobriety, addiction (in all its forms), convictions, getting clean and dirty.
-Spiritual entropy, the importance of love and faith. (no pushiness, only relating of experience)
-Fear, anxiety, pride, vanity, the troubles with comparing lives.
-Money and why it seems that all of life's problems would be over if only I worked at a hedge fund...
-Time, and the what could be done with it.
-much much much more...

OK please enjoy yourself, comment where you like, keep it constructive.

testing...

testing one two three...

ok here we go