An old poem.

Here's a poem I had forgotten about, I think it is important.

Ed

by Louis Simpson

Ed was in love with a cocktail waitress,
but Ed’s family, and his friends,
didn’t approve. So he broke it off.

He married a respectable woman
who played the piano. She played well enough
to have been a professional.

Ed’s wife left him …
Years later, at a family gathering
Ed got drunk and made a fool of himself.

He said, “I should have married Doreen.”
“Well,” they said, “why didn’t you?”

Great question! Haha oh the losses we endure in the quest for approval- whether from family, friends, bosses, and any other human. And for what? Family and friends without a doubt want what is best for you, but that in no way means they actually know what is best. 

Then again, we don't know Ed, maybe the cocktail waitress would have left him too... 

Who can say? But we do know that Ed committed the error. You cannot predict what your friends or family may say, but you can and should have domain over your reactions to those words. Ed may not have consciously known, but his subconscious knew it was a mistake. 

Have you ever witnessed or experienced a deep unacknowledged regret at last physically overcome the denial repressing it? Our psyches are but containers- and regrets? Why to me they are the toxic byproducts of mistakes and must be disposed of for healthy living. Under normal circumstances and with normal mistakes, one ably vents these choleric gases (e.g.):

Name it- I'm stalling again, procrastinating, putting off decisions.

Accept it - I did it, it is what it is.

Let go. Resolve to do better. Rolling in the muck is no way to get clean.

BUT if you do not admit to mistakes, than you will believe you have nothing to vent, all is swell. That is the essence of denial. B.L.E.V.E. - this is what the fire department calls a boiling liquid expanding vapor explosion - when unpredictable reactions cross with these byproducts you get all sorts of sh*t in the container amplifying and magnifying the pressure -something must establish the equilibrium, something has got to give, normally its the container. In fires, like in people, before the container explodes, the outside usually deforms - notice this. Sometimes flaws in the container give way first and high a pressure stream spills forth preserving most of the container - then here comes the concentrated nastiness - alcoholism, filthy speech, meanness, addiction, violence, promiscuity, vanity, fear, panic, arrogance... But either way after everything else has escaped into the atmosphere, what finally exits? Drum roll please... regret. Oh there it is, you caused all this?

Ever seen this? I have, and its like this poem, or sometimes much more innocuous, or sometimes much more explosive. It happens. Watch for it, in yourself and in others. 

Be law unto yourself - do or don't something because "you will know", I hate sneakiness.

Seek your own counsel - choose advice carefully because...

You own your decisions - the devil cannot make you do anything, I don't believe in weakness of will.

A couple of things I need to remember.

Last night I had another opportunity, but I missed it. They come every once in a great while, I'd say a few times a year. This time I was on an airplane, it was one of those big transcontinental jets, three seats to the window aisles and five seats to the center row. I had the cabin all to myself, strangely. I was passing to the other aisle when the plane pitched downward suddenly and I remember feeling that normal anxiety of "oh dear what's this now?". Then without warning, the plane jolted into a straight nose dive, which sent me straight into the air. I remember being stuck to the ceiling as we began to fall out of the sky. At this point I was aware that I was about to crash but I didn't know when the impact would happen- and I remember feeling terrified. Interestingly, I remember being aware that this was all a dream, and despite my terror, I was somehow aware that I could have pulled myself out of the dream if I wanted. I knew I had the choice to stay in the dream or leave, and I was so afraid, the fear was definitely vivid, very real. Before the crash I pulled myself out and woke up, not in a gasp, or shriek, just slowly coming to - and as I became conscious I could feel the fear dissipate in the way that the pain of holding your breath dissipates when you finally resume breathing.

There in the darkness, in the dead of the night, I thought to myself, "Sh#t, you were right there again, you could have gone all the way this time. You knew it was a dream and you were still scared stiff." See, I have always wondered what waits on the other side of these types of dreams, what would happen if I experienced the crash? Can you experience your moment of death in a dream? Another time, and this one is a touch freakier, I dreamt that ghosts entered my room when I still lived in Vermont, and each began pressing down on my chest. I remember feeling this immense pressure and hearing these silly clown voices and laughter. All the while, I was aware that I was dreaming, but the pressure on my chest was unbearable. I repeat, I knew it was a dream, but I felt this terror anyway- this pressure, and every passing moment increased the intensity. Of course, I cried mercy and pulled myself out... I pulled myself out. I woke up disappointed with myself, I should have seen it through.

What would happen if I held out, would the fear just keep increasing exponentially like y = x^2 onward, upward, forever? Or, with a little bit of nocturnal fortitude, could I break it? Get over the mountain. I want to know so badly, because I fall short every time, right at the event horizon.

I reason - I am in bed, not on a plane. Therefore, in reality, I do not have to fear death from a plane crash at the moment I'm in bed. Yet, I feel it. My sleeping brain did whatever it did, but I'll tell you this, what came out was fear. And I know the fear was real, because when I woke up I was afraid, sure it goes away, but it was there first. Furthermore, I was aware of being in a dream, so why am I still afraid? Why I am reacting to fear I know logically should not exist? And not just reacting, but getting crushed by fear that I know has no logical basis.

What would happen if I could get through the dream, endure the fear? Would this change the waking me in anyway? I have this hypothesis that if I could just suffer through it, endure it for as long as it takes, this fear would eventually shatter like glass against me. And from that point forward, I would be in conscious control of my subconscious fear, what a breakthrough that would be! I don't want to just wake up from a bad dream, I want to feel everything its got, I want to exhaust the demons, amygdala, or whatever is responsible. I want them to give up, not me. I want to conquer my nightmares.

In other news, three years ago tonight marks a personal journey from innocence to understanding. I'm celebrating the walk of life with gratitude.