12.28.2008
47 minutes to kill?
This video, Money as Debt, by Paul Grignon outlines a central idea that debt creation as a means of modern banking is fundamentally harmful because it is in substance a subtle transfer of wealth vis a vis interest. Please watch it and decide for yourself whether any aspect of Grignon's case holds water. Regardless of where you fall politically with respect to monetary policy, as with any other major institution, technology, social convention, or way of life, we have the duty to consider its existence, efficacy and possibly even its obsolescence.
I would like to highlight my understanding of a few ideas I found thought provoking.
Grignon points out that money once commonly thought of as value or asset is today a measure of debt because modern lending recognizes an individual's "promise to repay" as a fungible form of currency. This fundamental switch came as a result of government mandate, presumably because the borrowing and lending by large banks turned the wheels of the economy. Repackaging a "promise to repay" or debt as value or currency allows the money supply to be greatly expanded past the actual total "value" of goods and services in a given economy.
Constant rates of growth, I hear this all the time on the financial reports... durable goods grew by x%, consumer price index up by y%, GDP up Z%. A constant rate of growth as it is commonly defined, increase by a fixed percentage (say 3.5%), is in fact not linear but exponential.
Year One $1.00 x 3.5% growth = $1.035
Actual growth = $0.035
Year Two $1.35 x 3.5% growth = $1.071
Actual growth = $0.036
Year Three $1.071 x 3.5% growth = $1.11
Actual growth = $0.038
Year Four $1.11 x 3.5% growth = $1.15
Actual growth = $0.040
The delta accelerates, it is non-linear, and over time it is impossible to maintain. Realistically the growth rates are not constant, so this is less a factor in a practical sense. However, constant rate of growth, is something I hear my buddies say all the time when they analyze the financials of a compnay, and it is very much in the conversation as an ideal to strive for.
Grignon rightly notes that the purpose of money is to facilitate exchange yet asks an interesting philosophical question; what is the justification for charging interest on borrowed money? Why is there such a thing as interest? If money exists solely for the purpose of making it easier to trade a chicken for a television, charging interest is not relevant to attaining that end. The justification of interest stems from the risk involved in lending - a borrower may not pay back his debt, therefore one either recoups an eventual loss from other borrowers in the form of interest payments, or one charges the borrower a risk of default premium in the form of interest on the debt in lieu of physical possession of some form of collateral. This is a logical argument for a profit seeking entity. However Grignon posits that the borrowing and lending that stimulates the economy should be overseen by the government and not private profit seeking institutions. Since it is the government that owns the mints, it should be solely the government that decides the proper amount of money needed to have a functioning economy. Government sponsored "banking" would either eliminate the need for interest wholly or redistribute the profits from interest on outstanding loans to the citizens in the form of a dividend. Interesting.
Consider the recent bailout, where the treasury department borrowed the future tax receipts of its citizens to pay the current liabilities of the for-profit banks that had made faulty loans to those same citizens today. Do you understand what this means in simplest terms? The banks have said "You cannot pay your mortgage anymore. Well, we are surely not going to go out of business because you failed to pay. We will threaten the politicians with fear tactics, then they will give us the future tax receipts of your children today so that we can settle our account, all the while we still transfer our interest to the backs of your children. Essentially transferring the obligation to the next generation."
Why wouldn't the government just pay the mortgages themselves? Even though it would be a more direct and less costly solution, it would also be perceived widely as socialist and an anathema to capitalism RA-RA USA! The banks know this and exploit it. They should have died. If you made crappy furniture, you will go out of business. If you make crappy lending decisions you should be out of money. It was a con job.
Grignon points out that non-profit banking is a way around this problem. Because the banks are in this business to make money, eliminating profits from borrowing and lending would eliminate the necessity of private banking. A far more efficient method of regulating trade, yet a threat to the existence of bankers.
Another reform movement stresses return to a sound money. This means making the dollar redeemable for something of fixed value, most popularly precious metals. However, the banks argue that this would tightly constrain borrowing and lending by sharply decreasing the money supply or it would create sudden wealth for those with gold and poverty for those without.
I personally, because of my fondness for physics and chemistry, would like to see our currency linked to Gibbs free energy. For example, how many Joules did it take to make this air compressor? How much heat or enthalpy, in an absolute chemical sense, is responsible for a loaf of bread? Ultimately, this is the value of matter, its heat of formation. Therefore, the truest way to represent the power to buy and sell goods is to link it directly to the energy required to bring it into physical existence. Is this not how the trillions of trillions of living cells trade everyday? Look at the majestic economy in even the smallest, loneliest, most nonessential cell. Does the mitochondrion charge interest to the nucleus for ATP?! Absurd! No interest. Only balance, beauty, function, and growth. The cell understands the interrelatedness of its components, the necessity of harmony for function, and that balance means existence. Bankers value the hoarding of money and getting something for nothing. The cell has no banker, and demands no interest on glucose. Ah, but wait, isn't there loss of heat over time? Isn't it true that no chemical reaction has ever occurred with balanced free energy between products and reactants? There is a payment made for every chemical transaction. There is such a thing as cosmic interest. There is entropy, the cosmic banker. True, but I have no problem paying the universe for being my home, existence is worth it.
Yes - I'm having my own dance party and this is how it starts...
and then i request
and one more before i stop to get water and booze for everyone...
ok - real quick one more
ok time for a little agua
A few of my favorite quotes
Trust no future, however pleasant. Let the dead past bury the dead. Act now in the living present, heart within, God overhead.
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.
-Goethe
Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
-Kleiser
A lazy boy and a warm bed are a difficult thing to part.
-Danish proverb
Vows made in storms are often forgotten in calms.
-Latin Proverb
Keep you fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.
-Robert Louis Stevenson
From listening comes wisdom, and from speaking comes repentance.
-Italian proverb
He who takes the child by the hand takes the mother by the heart.
- German proverb
Our greatest glory lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Thomas Edison
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods.
-Albert Einstein
When a proud man hears another praised, he feels himself injured
-English proverb
He who falls in love with himself has no rivals
-Benjamin Disraeli
Its easy enough to be pleasant
When everything goes like a song
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When everything goes dead wrong
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.
-2 Tim 4:7
-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now.
-Goethe
Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment.
-Kleiser
A lazy boy and a warm bed are a difficult thing to part.
-Danish proverb
Vows made in storms are often forgotten in calms.
-Latin Proverb
Keep you fears to yourself, but share your courage with others.
-Robert Louis Stevenson
From listening comes wisdom, and from speaking comes repentance.
-Italian proverb
He who takes the child by the hand takes the mother by the heart.
- German proverb
Our greatest glory lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
-Thomas Edison
Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of truth and knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Gods.
-Albert Einstein
When a proud man hears another praised, he feels himself injured
-English proverb
He who falls in love with himself has no rivals
-Benjamin Disraeli
Its easy enough to be pleasant
When everything goes like a song
But the man worthwhile
Is the man who can smile
When everything goes dead wrong
Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith.
-2 Tim 4:7
12.25.2008
Listen up muchachos
Press play and read please...
Sit down right there and let me tell you a thing or two:
Beethoven’s ninth symphony is the best piece of music ever written. No exceptions, no argument, no ifs ands or buts. It is the divine melody, it is the rhythm of the cosmos, it captures the majestic beauty of existence, it was handed down to a deaf man by the grace and infinite wisdom of God. And do you know what? Our ears are inadequate to truly "understand" it, for just as a cube drawn on a napkin is distorted from its form being merely a representation in two dimensions, so is the Ninth a crude representation barely accessible by the limited perception and conduction of our sad primitive nervous system. Ha! Listening to the ninth is a communication with the higher love. Do not tolerate any other answer from anyone. To change one note, to alter the pace, to hesitate, even in the slightest would scramble the message. It is perfection.
And another thing, bankers are the fancier thieves and scoundrels, I despise them. I don’t care what anyone says it doesn’t matter, yes they provide liquidity etc etc… But you know what, you can still provide liquidity and shop at Payless, but you won’t ever see it. Why??? Because they are in it for the MONEY. They are corrupt. They have no love, no substance, and are the parasites of society. True story.
You don’t have as much time as you think – so get up and do whatever you have to do right now. Push it a little farther, work harder, get up earlier, you’re still going to get to bed tonight -don’t worry, and you’ll probably sleep better for it. Always be looking for more ways to cram productive activity into the day. Stop waiting – its not going to happen without your hand – so get up and do it now -even if it is just the smallest start. You will know when you are tired, it will feel great, then you can rest and that will feel great.
Family is the most important – more important than career, fame, money, and yourself. You will never experience the happiness, security, and fulfillment of a family anywhere else in life. I am blessed to have experienced this firsthand – and I thank God for it. I have the responsibility to convey the love of my family outward like a little positive charge bleeping in the vast darkness of the universe. If you have had a mother or father active in your life, thank them the next chance you get.
To whom much is given, much will be expected. You were probably given a lot. Get cracking. Don’t be lazy. Give me dumb, slow, nasty, dopey, I’ll work with them all. Just don’t give me lazy. Lazy gets sent home. Lazy goes hungry.
Don’t be proud – pride just gets in the way. It stops you when you should be in motion– and causes improper actions when you should be still. Don’t look in the mirror too often, especially if you’re a man, Don’t worry about clothes, especially if you’re a man. If you’re secure with yourself it won’t matter if you wear an Armani suit or a barrel and straps. People respect you, not your clothes.
Don’t be a sucker – many, many, many people are out to take advantage of you. The trick is determining who needs actual help and who is out just to get their next mark. You have no responsibility to be another’s mark. Making a decision? The golden rule is all you need. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Act with this in mind and you will always have a clean conscience even if you’re wrong. I’m not saying the trip will be hassle free, I’m just saying that you’ll be on the right side.
I learned this one in the academy, don’t ever let anyone take anything out of your hands. No matter who, your boss, his boss, anyone, if they try and take a tool, a pencil, whatever, stop and say, “What do you need?” And be sure to make eye contact.
Always make eye contact. Don’t eyeball people, just make sure you’re focused on the eyes, nine times out of ten, it will tell you everything you need to know. And smile; when appropriate, which almost always.
Your life is going to be what you make of it. If you are a person who is happy and resilient, you will probably be this way through good times and bad. If you are pessimistic or downtrodden, you will probably find something wrong with a winning lottery ticket. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide the proper psychological frame in which to conduct your life, so why not choose to find the love, humor, and wonder in life? Yes, deal with the crap-ola, and bad stuff, we all have to, but focus in on the humor, love, motivating, animating aspects of life. I’ve felt the spirit, it is the most beautiful experience – it is a vital fever.
Sit down right there and let me tell you a thing or two:
Beethoven’s ninth symphony is the best piece of music ever written. No exceptions, no argument, no ifs ands or buts. It is the divine melody, it is the rhythm of the cosmos, it captures the majestic beauty of existence, it was handed down to a deaf man by the grace and infinite wisdom of God. And do you know what? Our ears are inadequate to truly "understand" it, for just as a cube drawn on a napkin is distorted from its form being merely a representation in two dimensions, so is the Ninth a crude representation barely accessible by the limited perception and conduction of our sad primitive nervous system. Ha! Listening to the ninth is a communication with the higher love. Do not tolerate any other answer from anyone. To change one note, to alter the pace, to hesitate, even in the slightest would scramble the message. It is perfection.
And another thing, bankers are the fancier thieves and scoundrels, I despise them. I don’t care what anyone says it doesn’t matter, yes they provide liquidity etc etc… But you know what, you can still provide liquidity and shop at Payless, but you won’t ever see it. Why??? Because they are in it for the MONEY. They are corrupt. They have no love, no substance, and are the parasites of society. True story.
You don’t have as much time as you think – so get up and do whatever you have to do right now. Push it a little farther, work harder, get up earlier, you’re still going to get to bed tonight -don’t worry, and you’ll probably sleep better for it. Always be looking for more ways to cram productive activity into the day. Stop waiting – its not going to happen without your hand – so get up and do it now -even if it is just the smallest start. You will know when you are tired, it will feel great, then you can rest and that will feel great.
Family is the most important – more important than career, fame, money, and yourself. You will never experience the happiness, security, and fulfillment of a family anywhere else in life. I am blessed to have experienced this firsthand – and I thank God for it. I have the responsibility to convey the love of my family outward like a little positive charge bleeping in the vast darkness of the universe. If you have had a mother or father active in your life, thank them the next chance you get.
To whom much is given, much will be expected. You were probably given a lot. Get cracking. Don’t be lazy. Give me dumb, slow, nasty, dopey, I’ll work with them all. Just don’t give me lazy. Lazy gets sent home. Lazy goes hungry.
Don’t be proud – pride just gets in the way. It stops you when you should be in motion– and causes improper actions when you should be still. Don’t look in the mirror too often, especially if you’re a man, Don’t worry about clothes, especially if you’re a man. If you’re secure with yourself it won’t matter if you wear an Armani suit or a barrel and straps. People respect you, not your clothes.
Don’t be a sucker – many, many, many people are out to take advantage of you. The trick is determining who needs actual help and who is out just to get their next mark. You have no responsibility to be another’s mark. Making a decision? The golden rule is all you need. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Act with this in mind and you will always have a clean conscience even if you’re wrong. I’m not saying the trip will be hassle free, I’m just saying that you’ll be on the right side.
I learned this one in the academy, don’t ever let anyone take anything out of your hands. No matter who, your boss, his boss, anyone, if they try and take a tool, a pencil, whatever, stop and say, “What do you need?” And be sure to make eye contact.
Always make eye contact. Don’t eyeball people, just make sure you’re focused on the eyes, nine times out of ten, it will tell you everything you need to know. And smile; when appropriate, which almost always.
Your life is going to be what you make of it. If you are a person who is happy and resilient, you will probably be this way through good times and bad. If you are pessimistic or downtrodden, you will probably find something wrong with a winning lottery ticket. Ultimately, it is up to you to decide the proper psychological frame in which to conduct your life, so why not choose to find the love, humor, and wonder in life? Yes, deal with the crap-ola, and bad stuff, we all have to, but focus in on the humor, love, motivating, animating aspects of life. I’ve felt the spirit, it is the most beautiful experience – it is a vital fever.
12.13.2008
These things comprise a good day... a good day is composed of these
1. Its Saturday, although that matters less and less now that my "work week" consists of learning. I never knew I would have it so good.
2. Up early (relatively) for a Saturday - 6:55- which means I got the whole day in front of me.
3. My legs and are sore from the previous day's basketball - this means:
a. I expended myself.
b. I get to do the morning stretch leg kick thing in bed that one of life's treats.
c. I have working legs, more valuable than anything except hands, vision, brain.
4. Coffee and fruit in the morning watching the traffic on the GW bridge back up, comfortably stowed in my tiny room. (the room is clean - this makes the confinement enjoyable instead of lamentable).
5. I get to go to a conference on a scientific topic that fascinates me and challenges/expands my understanding. My brain is engaged in focused concentration for several hours. The talks are on memory. I try to remember everything.
6. The sun is shining brightly - I walk around the fancy fifth avenue shops getting gift ideas for family and people watching. The streets are filled with thousands of people.
6 1/2. I move freely and easily about the hustle and bustle, I have no impediments. It dawns on me that I don't need/want any of this crap thats for sale. I feel light physically. I wish others could feel this way. I know that me and the sales clerk at Louis Vuitton would disagree about a lot of things. I thank God I'm not in retail.
7. Further, it dawns on me that I already have what I want/need - my health and the ability to pursue my understanding of the world/universe. I wonder for a brief second how long my health will hold up and give thanks.
8. Then I realize that it doesn't matter how long it will hold, because all I can do is live my life while I am still able - and as long as this truth is not abused to justify reckless behavior, I can safely remain in the mystery.
9. I note a paradox. I'm completely happy, even though I abandoned the quest years ago. I consider these two scenarios: 1. As a younger man, I remember always being unsatisfied with everything, and always looking to the future. Critical in the bad way, controlling in the bad way, impatient in the bad way. I would always think when this or that finally happened - THEN I WILL AUTOMATICALLY BECOME HAPPY AS A RESULT OF SUCH AND SUCH ACHIEVEMENT. I viewed it as cause and effect. When I have money/prestige/"the girl" etc. it would just happen. I never bothered to ask why these things would make me happy, because I was a follower.
At some point, I realized that ALL (every last one) of the people I looked up to/followed had no better idea than me about the truth of life/happiness. They just knew what worked for them better than I knew what worked for me.
Scenario 2 - After finally realizing that nothing I was doing was working - I had to finally admit that I had no idea what I was doing in my life. It dawned on me when I was 26 that I am older now and that while talk of the future is an acceptable practice for a wide-eyed 18 year old, now I either am or am not. And more to the point, as I age, talk about doing this or that in the future only makes me look like a fool. Whoops what did I just say? It was too late I couldn't take it back, that's exactly what I was all those years walking around this spinning ball of electron probability waves and protons existing among the infinite darkness, a little fool. The only remaining step was determining if I had the humility to admit that.
And then I understood my ego had been weighing me down the whole time.
Everyday I give thanks and ask for guidance. For me, understanding beats happiness ten times out of ten, a hundred times out of hundred.
Time moves along, what am I doing this moment? Because that is my life. I ask for discipline and concentration to be in the moment - here . The final step was to figure out what to spend the moment on - selling designer shoes? Insurance? Law? Trading futures? Having fun? Farming? Attempting understanding and passing it on to another? Yep thats the one that works best for me. I don't have to say I'm going to do this or that because I am doing this and that. Next conversation.
10. Contemplating the vastness of space time and vowing to read more Carl Sagan.
12.07.2008
Candy wrappers
I was on the subway one day recently. A young kid, could not have been older then 13 sat across from me diagonally by six or so seats. It was just me and him on this car. I watched him throw the wrapper of his candy bar right on the floor of the car. Should I or shouldn't I say something? What would you do?
Option one: "Hey son, don't you know that littering harms us all? Our civic duty is to respect the common municipal property. So please do your part and dispose of your garbage in the proper receptacle!" in my best Wally Cleaver. What is the probability that the kid picks it up and contritely promises to do better next time? What is the probability that he tells me to go BLEEP myself? Would you be humble enough to be corrected by a stranger even when you know you're wrong? Not bloody likely.
Don't worry - I'm aware that the Metropolitan Transit Authority does not need yet another superhero/psychopath trolling the subways and buses, accosting passengers about candy wrappers and spilled coffee.
Option two: Look the other way. Its not my problem. What a shame... etc. (this is what I did)
*Option three - Darn! I thought of this one later that night, too late, but I'll know next time. I would have gotten up walked over to the wrapper - bent over and picked it up - saying nothing - but making eye contact that says, "I'm picking up your garbage because you won't, and you know its wrong, so everytime you do it from now on, at least you will be aware of the fact that you are acting wrongly." And for extra credit, "Every time you throw your snickers wrapper on the floor someone has to pick it up, which is however infinitesimally small still both a needlessly added responsibility to another and a waste of public resources." Yes, one look can communicate that to another. Provided they are "listening".
Its just a candy wrapper! Relax!
I'm not getting self righteous in this case because I don't litter, and I'm not judging the kid, only the action.
11.29.2008
An old poem.
Here's a poem I had forgotten about, I think it is important.
Ed
by Louis Simpson
Ed was in love with a cocktail waitress,
but Ed’s family, and his friends,
didn’t approve. So he broke it off.
He married a respectable woman
who played the piano. She played well enough
to have been a professional.
Ed’s wife left him …
Years later, at a family gathering
Ed got drunk and made a fool of himself.
He said, “I should have married Doreen.”
“Well,” they said, “why didn’t you?”
Ed
by Louis Simpson
Ed was in love with a cocktail waitress,
but Ed’s family, and his friends,
didn’t approve. So he broke it off.
He married a respectable woman
who played the piano. She played well enough
to have been a professional.
Ed’s wife left him …
Years later, at a family gathering
Ed got drunk and made a fool of himself.
He said, “I should have married Doreen.”
“Well,” they said, “why didn’t you?”
Great question! Haha oh the losses we endure in the quest for approval- whether from family, friends, bosses, and any other human. And for what? Family and friends without a doubt want what is best for you, but that in no way means they actually know what is best.
Then again, we don't know Ed, maybe the cocktail waitress would have left him too...
Who can say? But we do know that Ed committed the error. You cannot predict what your friends or family may say, but you can and should have domain over your reactions to those words. Ed may not have consciously known, but his subconscious knew it was a mistake.
Have you ever witnessed or experienced a deep unacknowledged regret at last physically overcome the denial repressing it? Our psyches are but containers- and regrets? Why to me they are the toxic byproducts of mistakes and must be disposed of for healthy living. Under normal circumstances and with normal mistakes, one ably vents these choleric gases (e.g.):
Name it- I'm stalling again, procrastinating, putting off decisions.
Accept it - I did it, it is what it is.
Let go. Resolve to do better. Rolling in the muck is no way to get clean.
BUT if you do not admit to mistakes, than you will believe you have nothing to vent, all is swell. That is the essence of denial. B.L.E.V.E. - this is what the fire department calls a boiling liquid expanding vapor explosion - when unpredictable reactions cross with these byproducts you get all sorts of sh*t in the container amplifying and magnifying the pressure -something must establish the equilibrium, something has got to give, normally its the container. In fires, like in people, before the container explodes, the outside usually deforms - notice this. Sometimes flaws in the container give way first and high a pressure stream spills forth preserving most of the container - then here comes the concentrated nastiness - alcoholism, filthy speech, meanness, addiction, violence, promiscuity, vanity, fear, panic, arrogance... But either way after everything else has escaped into the atmosphere, what finally exits? Drum roll please... regret. Oh there it is, you caused all this?
Ever seen this? I have, and its like this poem, or sometimes much more innocuous, or sometimes much more explosive. It happens. Watch for it, in yourself and in others.
Be law unto yourself - do or don't something because "you will know", I hate sneakiness.
Seek your own counsel - choose advice carefully because...
You own your decisions - the devil cannot make you do anything, I don't believe in weakness of will.
11.03.2008
A couple of things I need to remember.
Last night I had another opportunity, but I missed it. They come every once in a great while, I'd say a few times a year. This time I was on an airplane, it was one of those big transcontinental jets, three seats to the window aisles and five seats to the center row. I had the cabin all to myself, strangely. I was passing to the other aisle when the plane pitched downward suddenly and I remember feeling that normal anxiety of "oh dear what's this now?". Then without warning, the plane jolted into a straight nose dive, which sent me straight into the air. I remember being stuck to the ceiling as we began to fall out of the sky. At this point I was aware that I was about to crash but I didn't know when the impact would happen- and I remember feeling terrified. Interestingly, I remember being aware that this was all a dream, and despite my terror, I was somehow aware that I could have pulled myself out of the dream if I wanted. I knew I had the choice to stay in the dream or leave, and I was so afraid, the fear was definitely vivid, very real. Before the crash I pulled myself out and woke up, not in a gasp, or shriek, just slowly coming to - and as I became conscious I could feel the fear dissipate in the way that the pain of holding your breath dissipates when you finally resume breathing.
There in the darkness, in the dead of the night, I thought to myself, "Sh#t, you were right there again, you could have gone all the way this time. You knew it was a dream and you were still scared stiff." See, I have always wondered what waits on the other side of these types of dreams, what would happen if I experienced the crash? Can you experience your moment of death in a dream? Another time, and this one is a touch freakier, I dreamt that ghosts entered my room when I still lived in Vermont, and each began pressing down on my chest. I remember feeling this immense pressure and hearing these silly clown voices and laughter. All the while, I was aware that I was dreaming, but the pressure on my chest was unbearable. I repeat, I knew it was a dream, but I felt this terror anyway- this pressure, and every passing moment increased the intensity. Of course, I cried mercy and pulled myself out... I pulled myself out. I woke up disappointed with myself, I should have seen it through.
What would happen if I held out, would the fear just keep increasing exponentially like y = x^2 onward, upward, forever? Or, with a little bit of nocturnal fortitude, could I break it? Get over the mountain. I want to know so badly, because I fall short every time, right at the event horizon.
I reason - I am in bed, not on a plane. Therefore, in reality, I do not have to fear death from a plane crash at the moment I'm in bed. Yet, I feel it. My sleeping brain did whatever it did, but I'll tell you this, what came out was fear. And I know the fear was real, because when I woke up I was afraid, sure it goes away, but it was there first. Furthermore, I was aware of being in a dream, so why am I still afraid? Why I am reacting to fear I know logically should not exist? And not just reacting, but getting crushed by fear that I know has no logical basis.
What would happen if I could get through the dream, endure the fear? Would this change the waking me in anyway? I have this hypothesis that if I could just suffer through it, endure it for as long as it takes, this fear would eventually shatter like glass against me. And from that point forward, I would be in conscious control of my subconscious fear, what a breakthrough that would be! I don't want to just wake up from a bad dream, I want to feel everything its got, I want to exhaust the demons, amygdala, or whatever is responsible. I want them to give up, not me. I want to conquer my nightmares.
In other news, three years ago tonight marks a personal journey from innocence to understanding. I'm celebrating the walk of life with gratitude.
There in the darkness, in the dead of the night, I thought to myself, "Sh#t, you were right there again, you could have gone all the way this time. You knew it was a dream and you were still scared stiff." See, I have always wondered what waits on the other side of these types of dreams, what would happen if I experienced the crash? Can you experience your moment of death in a dream? Another time, and this one is a touch freakier, I dreamt that ghosts entered my room when I still lived in Vermont, and each began pressing down on my chest. I remember feeling this immense pressure and hearing these silly clown voices and laughter. All the while, I was aware that I was dreaming, but the pressure on my chest was unbearable. I repeat, I knew it was a dream, but I felt this terror anyway- this pressure, and every passing moment increased the intensity. Of course, I cried mercy and pulled myself out... I pulled myself out. I woke up disappointed with myself, I should have seen it through.
What would happen if I held out, would the fear just keep increasing exponentially like y = x^2 onward, upward, forever? Or, with a little bit of nocturnal fortitude, could I break it? Get over the mountain. I want to know so badly, because I fall short every time, right at the event horizon.
I reason - I am in bed, not on a plane. Therefore, in reality, I do not have to fear death from a plane crash at the moment I'm in bed. Yet, I feel it. My sleeping brain did whatever it did, but I'll tell you this, what came out was fear. And I know the fear was real, because when I woke up I was afraid, sure it goes away, but it was there first. Furthermore, I was aware of being in a dream, so why am I still afraid? Why I am reacting to fear I know logically should not exist? And not just reacting, but getting crushed by fear that I know has no logical basis.
What would happen if I could get through the dream, endure the fear? Would this change the waking me in anyway? I have this hypothesis that if I could just suffer through it, endure it for as long as it takes, this fear would eventually shatter like glass against me. And from that point forward, I would be in conscious control of my subconscious fear, what a breakthrough that would be! I don't want to just wake up from a bad dream, I want to feel everything its got, I want to exhaust the demons, amygdala, or whatever is responsible. I want them to give up, not me. I want to conquer my nightmares.
In other news, three years ago tonight marks a personal journey from innocence to understanding. I'm celebrating the walk of life with gratitude.
10.02.2008
message in a bottle
I'l keep this brief because class begins early tomorrow and I want a full night's rest. I'm responding to tonight's vice-presidential candidate debate between Biden and Palin. Have I lost all hold on my sanity, or was anyone else completely horrified by the prospect of Palin becoming vice president? Please tell me someone else out there was appalled by her lack argument, grammar, and substance.
Palin's monotone delivery of rapid fire partial thoughts, serial dependent clauses, and hackneyed paraphrasing indicated a complete and total lack of intelligent thought or critical analysis. In responses to questions regarding her and McCain's positions on myriad subjects, listeners were subjected to longwinded "answers" that soon became stream of consciousness blathering and randomly associated parcels of GOP media tract. There in the debate one could sample the countless inappropriate informal speech ('not got allowed" and "I come from a family") as well as mixed metaphors, piled onto non-sequitur reference completely out of context and without transition. It seems Palin has perfected the art of corporate-speak, here it is described: If a listener is casual, not paying full attention, or worse yet, not able to digest a complex argument - I believe a rhetorically more effective way of convincing the listener is to lace the speech with emotionally stimulating buzzwords and phrases such as middle class, family, hockey mom, heckuva etc.. The actual argument, citation of evidence, even grammar are less of a concern than the actual delivery - "John McCain fights for families" "I'm an expert on the energy oil industry", "I love Israel". So here tonight, while Palin did not ever once actually put forth an argument, she flooded the viewers with randomly compiled statistics, "heart speech", "shout outs" delivered in an affected down home country bumpkin Mr. Smith goes to Washington styled subterfuge. Terrifying.
I was totally horrified upon suddenly realizing that the potential vice president of the United States sounded like the famous Adam Sandler character Billy Madison in the final scene delivering an answer in an academic decathlon. In that scene the moderator says to Billy after his response, "Nowhere in your wild rambling did you even approach anything that could be considered a rational thought. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul." Ditto that Palin, judge moderator guy.
Unfortunately for Biden, in an ostensibly strategic attempt to not appear condescending or domineering, failed to take Palin to task on any of her faults whether grammatical or actual. Instead he seemed focused solely on undermining McCain's bid to the presidency - which is fine -
I'm not trying to be snobby, but I would sincerely hope the leader of our country would have a well developed intellect, a firm grasp on the principle of a "logical argument" and finally speak in grammatically correct complete sentences, you know like our last... oh yeah.
S.O.S.
Palin's monotone delivery of rapid fire partial thoughts, serial dependent clauses, and hackneyed paraphrasing indicated a complete and total lack of intelligent thought or critical analysis. In responses to questions regarding her and McCain's positions on myriad subjects, listeners were subjected to longwinded "answers" that soon became stream of consciousness blathering and randomly associated parcels of GOP media tract. There in the debate one could sample the countless inappropriate informal speech ('not got allowed" and "I come from a family") as well as mixed metaphors, piled onto non-sequitur reference completely out of context and without transition. It seems Palin has perfected the art of corporate-speak, here it is described: If a listener is casual, not paying full attention, or worse yet, not able to digest a complex argument - I believe a rhetorically more effective way of convincing the listener is to lace the speech with emotionally stimulating buzzwords and phrases such as middle class, family, hockey mom, heckuva etc.. The actual argument, citation of evidence, even grammar are less of a concern than the actual delivery - "John McCain fights for families" "I'm an expert on the energy oil industry", "I love Israel". So here tonight, while Palin did not ever once actually put forth an argument, she flooded the viewers with randomly compiled statistics, "heart speech", "shout outs" delivered in an affected down home country bumpkin Mr. Smith goes to Washington styled subterfuge. Terrifying.
I was totally horrified upon suddenly realizing that the potential vice president of the United States sounded like the famous Adam Sandler character Billy Madison in the final scene delivering an answer in an academic decathlon. In that scene the moderator says to Billy after his response, "Nowhere in your wild rambling did you even approach anything that could be considered a rational thought. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul." Ditto that Palin, judge moderator guy.
Unfortunately for Biden, in an ostensibly strategic attempt to not appear condescending or domineering, failed to take Palin to task on any of her faults whether grammatical or actual. Instead he seemed focused solely on undermining McCain's bid to the presidency - which is fine -
I'm not trying to be snobby, but I would sincerely hope the leader of our country would have a well developed intellect, a firm grasp on the principle of a "logical argument" and finally speak in grammatically correct complete sentences, you know like our last... oh yeah.
S.O.S.
9.29.2008
Med school exams
The first block of med school exams have come and gone. Science basic and anatomy, writtens and practicals. Its a Monday afternoon and many are already on their merry way to bars or setting up their beer pong tables... hilarious. There was much hullabalo (right?) about them, lots of sobered neurotic concerns, and guess what? Here is the truth of medical school exams. Dear premeds, this one is for you:
Assuming you study (and I'm pretty sure you know how to study), it will be much harder to fail a med school exam than it was actually being accepted. There you have it, I said it, damn me to hell. Next subject...
I received some bills today funny that they all came on the same day:
Lab fees for at most 10 minutes, bloodwork to get into medschool even though I was employed at the time but my employer couldn't provide insurance: $340
Phone bill despite Keiretsu system (google it) Columbia University discount: $55
Additional surprise anatomy lab fee: $50
Plane ticket for Turkey-Day: $350
Pro-rated daily med school tuition: $261.11 (yep, every day even on Rosh Hashanah)
Minimum student loan payment from other tuition bill: $205
Total for today: 1,216.11.
Take out my plane ticket, evenso education is a very expensive proposition.
So where is my bailout? - Why the hell are we bailing out parasite bankers who survive SOLELY because of interest, instead of me or some person with an actual skill? Tell me what is the difference? Honestly- what the hell is the difference? (as a young man I admired bankers, I despise them now, and I will be happy to tell it to there face anytime I get a chance, I get fired up just thinking about it)
Harken to Thessalonians 3:10 "He that shall not work, neither shall he eat"
Hmmmm let me think... wait a minute, aaaaahhh I have an idea - my tuition is paid to the school, so they have their "money". Ok, now some bank owns my promise to repay a total capitalized principal at the end of this four year waltz, God willing hopefully less than $200,000.
Here is the point where I take a page out the playbook of our leaders: at this point I will imitate those executive members of the Federal Reserve and commercial banking institutions and regretfully inform my lenders that certain "assets" on my balance sheet turned out to be less than viable than my earlier risk analyses indicated, but I will say this with a very remorseful and humble tone - yes just like Paulson and Bernanke, let them know how dreadfully sorry I am. Furthermore I will inform them that unless I'm immediately bailed out, many people will suffer and die as a result of my inability to provide medical care. Here is where I will take pains to inform them that there is not time enough to think and asking questions or wanting to know what happened is counterproductive, and that we need to retire the entire debt or at most settle for 10 cents on the dollar.
Not bad eh? Just might work right? No? But wait, they did it... No, I won't be... wait... what?
Assholes.
Director: Wait a minute, cut... cut cut cut. Gene, OK, I think I understand where your going with this- but this scene isn't being played out with 100 percent sincerity, right? I mean, don't you remember from Sunday school, Matthew 22:21 "Render unto Caesar's things which are Caesar's" So what do you care about all this debt, unless there is still some part of you that desires those things that belong to Caesar?
Gene: ... well, yeah. But does a house and a car belong to Caesar? It seems like I never have enough, like I'm being pulled under water, always gasping for air. I mean $7,000 a year for living expenses in NYC, c'mon, I'd rather deal drugs.
Director: ...what is this melodrama? You told me in your audition that these things didn't matter so long as you had your health, family, good food, freedom etc... Why the change now? Because you have to live your words? Even now as you are in the prime of youth, you're concerned with the future, why all the weight? Why when you have everything you need do you still worry and fret?
Gene: Because I could lose it at any moment. I see all the waste, lying, and bullshit around me (bailout, Long Island Railroad retirement disability scandal, the war), it doesn't seem fair and I'm afraid. It seems like it would be more efficient to lie, to cheat with a smile. It seems like that is what happens in the world, who am I to impose my notion of justice on it? I'm conflicted, festooned with doubts.
Director: I'm sorry, but have you read the script in its entirety? Right, I didn't think so. Hang in there, stay positive and maybe I won't kill you off :) Look, you are afraid. That is what this always boils down to. I see it in everyone. Fear. Your fear response is both your greatest asset and most obvious vulnerability. I will explain it to you and hopefully you will understand and move forward-
Your fear response is adaptive for the same reason that you are a strong chess player. It allows you to think ahead, apply the past, plan, and predict. With proper fear you successfully navigate your environment. When you preside over your fears, they can drive productive activity. Very healthy and adaptive right? Congratulations. BUT you, who are especially sensitive to fear, are also vulnerable if it mounts up, or if it is displaced onto something you can't control. You can't control what some asshole is going to do in the same way you can control a chess piece and it drives you nuts. In fact, your sense of fear is so hyperdeveloped as a result of disciplined scientific thinking, that the notion of letting go of them hits you as an obvious admission of denial - a notion toxic to your quest for truth. And here is where your particular fear has been compounded by today, triggered by the bailout, bankers, or other nonsense. You realize that if people were chess pieces the world would be a lot safer and easier to predict and control, and you also realize that there are a lot of people who have more power and money than you who suffer your same fear and have also realized this. So you fear that the actions of a few are leading to an impingement on your freedom and happiness. So your defense mechanism is to say give to Caesar what is Caesar, don't worry about money - but you still do not truly believe it-nope not in the same way you believe in gravity. That is why your scene is insincere. Well I have some good news and some bad news for you and the good news is the same as the bad- You are already a pawn. Don't kid yourself. But that is ok, because you have only one move - forward and this should paradoxically give you the freedom you desire. Move forward and pray you are not sacrificed for some larger cause, because yes you are right, there are in this world probably those individuals you fear. But do not get insincere by becoming all biblical about money unless you truly mean it - my sense is that you are just strapped, and if you had a vacation, more cash, or nicer living arrangements than your current cube your anxieties would be released, and this is a situation you can control.
Gene: oh... But can I still despise bankers?
Director: Yes, I insist on it. They all die in the next scene anyway. Ok lets go, take two...
Assuming you study (and I'm pretty sure you know how to study), it will be much harder to fail a med school exam than it was actually being accepted. There you have it, I said it, damn me to hell. Next subject...
I received some bills today funny that they all came on the same day:
Lab fees for at most 10 minutes, bloodwork to get into medschool even though I was employed at the time but my employer couldn't provide insurance: $340
Phone bill despite Keiretsu system (google it) Columbia University discount: $55
Additional surprise anatomy lab fee: $50
Plane ticket for Turkey-Day: $350
Pro-rated daily med school tuition: $261.11 (yep, every day even on Rosh Hashanah)
Minimum student loan payment from other tuition bill: $205
Total for today: 1,216.11.
Take out my plane ticket, evenso education is a very expensive proposition.
So where is my bailout? - Why the hell are we bailing out parasite bankers who survive SOLELY because of interest, instead of me or some person with an actual skill? Tell me what is the difference? Honestly- what the hell is the difference? (as a young man I admired bankers, I despise them now, and I will be happy to tell it to there face anytime I get a chance, I get fired up just thinking about it)
Harken to Thessalonians 3:10 "He that shall not work, neither shall he eat"
Hmmmm let me think... wait a minute, aaaaahhh I have an idea - my tuition is paid to the school, so they have their "money". Ok, now some bank owns my promise to repay a total capitalized principal at the end of this four year waltz, God willing hopefully less than $200,000.
Here is the point where I take a page out the playbook of our leaders: at this point I will imitate those executive members of the Federal Reserve and commercial banking institutions and regretfully inform my lenders that certain "assets" on my balance sheet turned out to be less than viable than my earlier risk analyses indicated, but I will say this with a very remorseful and humble tone - yes just like Paulson and Bernanke, let them know how dreadfully sorry I am. Furthermore I will inform them that unless I'm immediately bailed out, many people will suffer and die as a result of my inability to provide medical care. Here is where I will take pains to inform them that there is not time enough to think and asking questions or wanting to know what happened is counterproductive, and that we need to retire the entire debt or at most settle for 10 cents on the dollar.
Not bad eh? Just might work right? No? But wait, they did it... No, I won't be... wait... what?
Assholes.
Director: Wait a minute, cut... cut cut cut. Gene, OK, I think I understand where your going with this- but this scene isn't being played out with 100 percent sincerity, right? I mean, don't you remember from Sunday school, Matthew 22:21 "Render unto Caesar's things which are Caesar's" So what do you care about all this debt, unless there is still some part of you that desires those things that belong to Caesar?
Gene: ... well, yeah. But does a house and a car belong to Caesar? It seems like I never have enough, like I'm being pulled under water, always gasping for air. I mean $7,000 a year for living expenses in NYC, c'mon, I'd rather deal drugs.
Director: ...what is this melodrama? You told me in your audition that these things didn't matter so long as you had your health, family, good food, freedom etc... Why the change now? Because you have to live your words? Even now as you are in the prime of youth, you're concerned with the future, why all the weight? Why when you have everything you need do you still worry and fret?
Gene: Because I could lose it at any moment. I see all the waste, lying, and bullshit around me (bailout, Long Island Railroad retirement disability scandal, the war), it doesn't seem fair and I'm afraid. It seems like it would be more efficient to lie, to cheat with a smile. It seems like that is what happens in the world, who am I to impose my notion of justice on it? I'm conflicted, festooned with doubts.
Director: I'm sorry, but have you read the script in its entirety? Right, I didn't think so. Hang in there, stay positive and maybe I won't kill you off :) Look, you are afraid. That is what this always boils down to. I see it in everyone. Fear. Your fear response is both your greatest asset and most obvious vulnerability. I will explain it to you and hopefully you will understand and move forward-
Your fear response is adaptive for the same reason that you are a strong chess player. It allows you to think ahead, apply the past, plan, and predict. With proper fear you successfully navigate your environment. When you preside over your fears, they can drive productive activity. Very healthy and adaptive right? Congratulations. BUT you, who are especially sensitive to fear, are also vulnerable if it mounts up, or if it is displaced onto something you can't control. You can't control what some asshole is going to do in the same way you can control a chess piece and it drives you nuts. In fact, your sense of fear is so hyperdeveloped as a result of disciplined scientific thinking, that the notion of letting go of them hits you as an obvious admission of denial - a notion toxic to your quest for truth. And here is where your particular fear has been compounded by today, triggered by the bailout, bankers, or other nonsense. You realize that if people were chess pieces the world would be a lot safer and easier to predict and control, and you also realize that there are a lot of people who have more power and money than you who suffer your same fear and have also realized this. So you fear that the actions of a few are leading to an impingement on your freedom and happiness. So your defense mechanism is to say give to Caesar what is Caesar, don't worry about money - but you still do not truly believe it-nope not in the same way you believe in gravity. That is why your scene is insincere. Well I have some good news and some bad news for you and the good news is the same as the bad- You are already a pawn. Don't kid yourself. But that is ok, because you have only one move - forward and this should paradoxically give you the freedom you desire. Move forward and pray you are not sacrificed for some larger cause, because yes you are right, there are in this world probably those individuals you fear. But do not get insincere by becoming all biblical about money unless you truly mean it - my sense is that you are just strapped, and if you had a vacation, more cash, or nicer living arrangements than your current cube your anxieties would be released, and this is a situation you can control.
Gene: oh... But can I still despise bankers?
Director: Yes, I insist on it. They all die in the next scene anyway. Ok lets go, take two...
9.07.2008
Another Sunny Sunday
The concept of relative deprivation is a hell of a thing.
I am rich and not rich at the same time. Here see for yourself.
If you were to compare my bank account, assets, debts, to those of my friends (the ones who are roughly equal or greater in age to mine) you would certainly find my audits to be woefully inadequate. Its true, I confess I could have done a lot better, I probably should have been more focused on money, should own a home by now, or just more generally feel like a "financial adult" - (picture fantasies of tropical vacations, expensive clothes, fat wads of cash in pocket etc)
But consider that roughly one quarter of the world's population survives on less than $1 (or something like that) a day??? Yet I have never met one of them because I live in a different fishtank. And this condition is perfect breeding ground for the notion of relative deprivation (and when your friends/colleagues work in the hedge fund and private equity world the effect is magnified exponentially)- I'm not suffering- not even close jack (actually I'm flourishing but I'll get to that), yet when I look around my particular fishbowl, it would seem (and has for awhile) as if I'm starving. For as long as I remember, and with feelings stronger than I care to admit, an unending well of personal dissatisfaction and feelings of inadequacy born of this relative "deprivation" has been at the root of so many comically wrong thoughts and hence blunderous mistakes in my personal conduct. I believe this world has so cleverly evoked my many immature responses for these primary reasons:
1. I lacked (or lost) the honest pursuit of personal understanding and insight (living blindly).
2. I had more limited life experience (unavoidable aspect of youth).
3. I have perseverated on my comparative lack of wealth (a fear based and totally neurotic exercise in futility).
But Gene, you're a rational guy. You're intelligent, you didn't just fall off the back of a turnip truck. How's this possible? How did this happen?
Well, lets rewind to an earlier time, lets delve deeply into my head and sample the voices inside, ask them about money:
A. "Women say lot of things, but they end up going home with the guy who has money. Actions speak louder than words"
B. "Money gets you respect, when people talk about people, they say things like 'he's loaded, he makes bank, he gets paid' so there you go"
C. "Money protects you from the badness of the world"
D. "You have to be rich to be happy"
Textbook black and white thinking. These thoughts are only partially correct, which is to say wrong.
Modify these statements with a little experience and understanding.
A. Yes, I have seen this many times. The rich guy gets the girls. See? Get rich. But first, consider the woman. Do you want this type of women, and if so why? Next and way more importantly, what's that say about you pal? Aren't there more women than rich guys here tonight anyway? Oh, but you want only the pretty ones? So aren't you just as bad as they are? Wait a minute, aren't there women NOT here right now? Can I ask you something? Seriously, what the hell are you doing here right now? You are putting on "airs" and after all fooling no one but yourself. Go home, go to bed, get up at 5AM and spend your life getting after whatever it is that you love but are obviously too afraid to admit much less do - I promise you - lead your life and women will beat a path to your door.
B. "So and so is loaded (with stars in eyes)... So and so makes bank (barely able to contain their salivations)... See how people talk about people who make money? Its gets you respect." OK, again, its true, we've all heard this so many times. First - listen closely to whoever is saying these things. It will tell you more about them than anything else. It took a long time for me to figure this out, but talking about money (especially when its not even yours) is fear response, and a never-failing sign of insecurity. Have you said these things? (the answer is yes we all have) Well what does that say about me? Ignore the luckless mouths of fools, live by your actions and lift others up who need it, lead by honesty and good principles, I promise your reputation will be stratospheric by comparison.
C. "Money can be a fire-wall, it protects you from the badness of the world." Who could argue with this? The only thing that remains to be determined is the amount. Guess what? It's not much, you already have the amount that provides you the best coverage money can buy. Health insurance, good food, sanitation, modest home. Physiologically speaking (because we are talking about health), the rest is luxury. Actually, the true protection comes from your relationships, actions, and habits formed and cemented every day, over time- Exercise? Right thoughts? Right occupation? Right faith? C'mon, plus, it can be said that too much money courts the badness of the world. Let me ask you this, what would you rather have going into your old age? Plenty of money, few friends. Or plenty of friends, little money. When you're 85 and near defenseless, do you really think every hired nurse, lawyer, estate executor, will truly have your best interests in mind? Think again.
D. "Money can make you happy." With a little more insight I have decided, after hearing multiple times from multiple sources,
Money doesn't make you happy, but lack of it will all but guarantee your misery [sic].
So where does that leave me? Somewhat older, somewhat more centered. Somewhat more.
I have enough money, and thats what lets me put this to bed. The rest is just making sure I am aware of this, in moments of weakness, fear, envy, fatigue, and cowardice.
Finally, I have a few things that are arguably more important, I'll list em:
A loving family, on whom I can depend, and who can easily depend on me.
I'm in the prime of my youth, in top physical condition and in perfect health.
A wonderful panoply of characters, to whom I express devoted friendship.
A tireless, relentless spirit. Its like I've tapped a keg of pure energy and I have brought a very large stein. Fill it up baby!
A very healthy fear of God. (say it again, its worth repeating)
A very healthy fear of God. (you better believe it chief)
A fine and practiced appreciation of the little things - coffee and oranges on a gorgeous Sunday morning. The high from breezy blue skies. Beta-endorphins release, good music, trust me it goes on...
I'm blessed to be able to spend my life in the pursuit of ways my own, in the study and practice of an art designed to free others from pain and suffering.
Don't just jog, move your ass.
Instead of going to sleep, crash out from the day.
8am-5pm M-F cut the chit chat, get to brass tacks.
Working out? Na, try putting out.
Don't just study, think.
Apply the time.
I'm sorry, did somebody say something about money?
I am rich and not rich at the same time. Here see for yourself.
If you were to compare my bank account, assets, debts, to those of my friends (the ones who are roughly equal or greater in age to mine) you would certainly find my audits to be woefully inadequate. Its true, I confess I could have done a lot better, I probably should have been more focused on money, should own a home by now, or just more generally feel like a "financial adult" - (picture fantasies of tropical vacations, expensive clothes, fat wads of cash in pocket etc)
But consider that roughly one quarter of the world's population survives on less than $1 (or something like that) a day??? Yet I have never met one of them because I live in a different fishtank. And this condition is perfect breeding ground for the notion of relative deprivation (and when your friends/colleagues work in the hedge fund and private equity world the effect is magnified exponentially)- I'm not suffering- not even close jack (actually I'm flourishing but I'll get to that), yet when I look around my particular fishbowl, it would seem (and has for awhile) as if I'm starving. For as long as I remember, and with feelings stronger than I care to admit, an unending well of personal dissatisfaction and feelings of inadequacy born of this relative "deprivation" has been at the root of so many comically wrong thoughts and hence blunderous mistakes in my personal conduct. I believe this world has so cleverly evoked my many immature responses for these primary reasons:
1. I lacked (or lost) the honest pursuit of personal understanding and insight (living blindly).
2. I had more limited life experience (unavoidable aspect of youth).
3. I have perseverated on my comparative lack of wealth (a fear based and totally neurotic exercise in futility).
But Gene, you're a rational guy. You're intelligent, you didn't just fall off the back of a turnip truck. How's this possible? How did this happen?
Well, lets rewind to an earlier time, lets delve deeply into my head and sample the voices inside, ask them about money:
A. "Women say lot of things, but they end up going home with the guy who has money. Actions speak louder than words"
B. "Money gets you respect, when people talk about people, they say things like 'he's loaded, he makes bank, he gets paid' so there you go"
C. "Money protects you from the badness of the world"
D. "You have to be rich to be happy"
Textbook black and white thinking. These thoughts are only partially correct, which is to say wrong.
Modify these statements with a little experience and understanding.
A. Yes, I have seen this many times. The rich guy gets the girls. See? Get rich. But first, consider the woman. Do you want this type of women, and if so why? Next and way more importantly, what's that say about you pal? Aren't there more women than rich guys here tonight anyway? Oh, but you want only the pretty ones? So aren't you just as bad as they are? Wait a minute, aren't there women NOT here right now? Can I ask you something? Seriously, what the hell are you doing here right now? You are putting on "airs" and after all fooling no one but yourself. Go home, go to bed, get up at 5AM and spend your life getting after whatever it is that you love but are obviously too afraid to admit much less do - I promise you - lead your life and women will beat a path to your door.
B. "So and so is loaded (with stars in eyes)... So and so makes bank (barely able to contain their salivations)... See how people talk about people who make money? Its gets you respect." OK, again, its true, we've all heard this so many times. First - listen closely to whoever is saying these things. It will tell you more about them than anything else. It took a long time for me to figure this out, but talking about money (especially when its not even yours) is fear response, and a never-failing sign of insecurity. Have you said these things? (the answer is yes we all have) Well what does that say about me? Ignore the luckless mouths of fools, live by your actions and lift others up who need it, lead by honesty and good principles, I promise your reputation will be stratospheric by comparison.
C. "Money can be a fire-wall, it protects you from the badness of the world." Who could argue with this? The only thing that remains to be determined is the amount. Guess what? It's not much, you already have the amount that provides you the best coverage money can buy. Health insurance, good food, sanitation, modest home. Physiologically speaking (because we are talking about health), the rest is luxury. Actually, the true protection comes from your relationships, actions, and habits formed and cemented every day, over time- Exercise? Right thoughts? Right occupation? Right faith? C'mon, plus, it can be said that too much money courts the badness of the world. Let me ask you this, what would you rather have going into your old age? Plenty of money, few friends. Or plenty of friends, little money. When you're 85 and near defenseless, do you really think every hired nurse, lawyer, estate executor, will truly have your best interests in mind? Think again.
D. "Money can make you happy." With a little more insight I have decided, after hearing multiple times from multiple sources,
Money doesn't make you happy, but lack of it will all but guarantee your misery [sic].
So where does that leave me? Somewhat older, somewhat more centered. Somewhat more.
I have enough money, and thats what lets me put this to bed. The rest is just making sure I am aware of this, in moments of weakness, fear, envy, fatigue, and cowardice.
Finally, I have a few things that are arguably more important, I'll list em:
A loving family, on whom I can depend, and who can easily depend on me.
I'm in the prime of my youth, in top physical condition and in perfect health.
A wonderful panoply of characters, to whom I express devoted friendship.
A tireless, relentless spirit. Its like I've tapped a keg of pure energy and I have brought a very large stein. Fill it up baby!
A very healthy fear of God. (say it again, its worth repeating)
A very healthy fear of God. (you better believe it chief)
A fine and practiced appreciation of the little things - coffee and oranges on a gorgeous Sunday morning. The high from breezy blue skies. Beta-endorphins release, good music, trust me it goes on...
I'm blessed to be able to spend my life in the pursuit of ways my own, in the study and practice of an art designed to free others from pain and suffering.
Don't just jog, move your ass.
Instead of going to sleep, crash out from the day.
8am-5pm M-F cut the chit chat, get to brass tacks.
Working out? Na, try putting out.
Don't just study, think.
Apply the time.
I'm sorry, did somebody say something about money?
8.27.2008
Med school is filled with...
incredibly talented individuals.
When was the last time you heard classical music? And not just out of a CD player or iTunes etc. Look, I walked down the hall in my dorm, mostly chipper, to my sliver of a room (7'x15'). The vibrations overtook my ear, the acoustics must be decent in the hallway, its a cello for sure because of the register. But more than the register, its the rich strong martial textures, like a guard. If you played the right series of notes, I would be forbidden from passing.
I smile and think to myself, "yet another virtuoso within arm's reach", I'm so spoiled, I live with too many virtuosos. Like a bratty kid with too many bonnets and candies is me. Pampered and primped, living with too many virtuosos, because apparently virtuosos are a dime a dozen here. Being incredibly enthusiastic about music I stopped in to say hello and to maybe mooch a free performance. I'm here because I am the foremost virtuoso at mooching...
I was right, cello this time. First, its such a beautiful instrument, it really is. The sound fills the room, but not in that affected, irritating cocktail party guest way. But instead more in that humble realization in meeting true greatness, hello I'm the sound, here I am, not rubbing it in or trying to make you feel inadequate, but feel free stare because this is real-deal kind of way. So, I guess instead one should say the sound holds up the room instead of filling it. Second, get the story, uh huh started playing young, you're kidding? uh huh conservatory, uh huh yes yes thats fine, all very interesting, but your value is not your story, its the skill you sacrificed so much to acquire. Its the trade you made all those days in your life, that we didn't make. That is your gift. That is what people who seek beauty are after, so play.
Third, wow, he can play. Its a truly moving sight and sound. As I sat there delighted, the music was a spirit filling the room, and the spirit whispered something in my ear having to do with...protein folding
But first, I have to plug the pieces. One classic and one I had never heard it before - Beethoven's ninth (4th movement of course) and one called called Julie-O. Man it wrecked me, the emotion of the pieces match me like prints at a crime scene. I often wonder if my level of music appreciation is shared by others, because it is such a high to watch it happen.
So whats a protein? Primarily, a polypeptide sequence, a chain of amino acids. It folds, bends, twists into its various conformations ultimately providing critical functions to the organism - hemoglobin, collagen, glyceraldehyde phosphate dehydrogenase... the list goes on for a very long time. But if the sequence is not just right, if it is off by so much as a few atoms (yes that's right atoms) you can have a meaningless, ineffective, many times harmful variation. Thus, the sequence determines whether or not the photoreceptors in your eyes respond to blue wavelengths of light, and the sequence dictates whether or not the sodium channels of your optic nerve can fully communicate that "blue" to the neurotransmitters in your visual cortex and later hippocampus so that the actin and myosin proteins in the muscle fibers of your face can say, "My wasn't the sky beautiful this morning?" All of it brought to you by proteins in an astronomically improbable exactly right sequence. The sequence gives us life. Hold that thought.
So the cello is a lifeless inanimate object by itself, and when it was in my hands it was not much different. I took a hand in playing it- lets just say you won't be seeing my name in lights next to the word "cello" anytime this fall concert season. I may have been causing it pain, at least judging from the way it sounded when I so clumsily bowed. That said, when it was in our player's hands, it was immediately transformed into an object that was capable of communicating and although there were no physical differences between he and I, I saw that it was the combination of the movements of his fingers that mattered. The sequence of notes communicated to me a subjective experience of beauty and hope made from the same building blocks I had, fingers, strings, and a bow. And yes, even if his sequence deviated slightly, if his intonation faltered, or for a moment was off by a quarter step (he wasn't), how that would change the experience. But if played perfectly, down to the atom, he gives the cello life. As I observed him play Beethoven's ninth, I remarked how every note is perfect, the sequence is perfect, and that he brought the cello to life and it communicated to me.
Maybe Beethoven's ninth symphony has 100,000 notes, lets be generous, 10,000,000 notes. Play them all perfectly and you are moved. It stirs emotions in you. You are moved, inspired, motivated. You make decisions, you now have plans, very important plans. There are 10,000,000 times 10,000,000 proteins in the tip of your pinky finger alone all working exactly perfectly at any given moment. Exactly sequenced, in perfect synchrony, performing on a nanosecond time signature. Include the rest of your body the number is so great, it no longer is a number as we know it. Consider the symphony of proteins vibrating in your body just this moment... the complexity and beauty of your sequence is beyond comprehension. The sequence is you.
I received the communication loud and clear. I am humbled.
When was the last time you heard classical music? And not just out of a CD player or iTunes etc. Look, I walked down the hall in my dorm, mostly chipper, to my sliver of a room (7'x15'). The vibrations overtook my ear, the acoustics must be decent in the hallway, its a cello for sure because of the register. But more than the register, its the rich strong martial textures, like a guard. If you played the right series of notes, I would be forbidden from passing.
I smile and think to myself, "yet another virtuoso within arm's reach", I'm so spoiled, I live with too many virtuosos. Like a bratty kid with too many bonnets and candies is me. Pampered and primped, living with too many virtuosos, because apparently virtuosos are a dime a dozen here. Being incredibly enthusiastic about music I stopped in to say hello and to maybe mooch a free performance. I'm here because I am the foremost virtuoso at mooching...
I was right, cello this time. First, its such a beautiful instrument, it really is. The sound fills the room, but not in that affected, irritating cocktail party guest way. But instead more in that humble realization in meeting true greatness, hello I'm the sound, here I am, not rubbing it in or trying to make you feel inadequate, but feel free stare because this is real-deal kind of way. So, I guess instead one should say the sound holds up the room instead of filling it. Second, get the story, uh huh started playing young, you're kidding? uh huh conservatory, uh huh yes yes thats fine, all very interesting, but your value is not your story, its the skill you sacrificed so much to acquire. Its the trade you made all those days in your life, that we didn't make. That is your gift. That is what people who seek beauty are after, so play.
Third, wow, he can play. Its a truly moving sight and sound. As I sat there delighted, the music was a spirit filling the room, and the spirit whispered something in my ear having to do with...protein folding
But first, I have to plug the pieces. One classic and one I had never heard it before - Beethoven's ninth (4th movement of course) and one called called Julie-O. Man it wrecked me, the emotion of the pieces match me like prints at a crime scene. I often wonder if my level of music appreciation is shared by others, because it is such a high to watch it happen.
So whats a protein? Primarily, a polypeptide sequence, a chain of amino acids. It folds, bends, twists into its various conformations ultimately providing critical functions to the organism - hemoglobin, collagen, glyceraldehyde phosphate dehydrogenase... the list goes on for a very long time. But if the sequence is not just right, if it is off by so much as a few atoms (yes that's right atoms) you can have a meaningless, ineffective, many times harmful variation. Thus, the sequence determines whether or not the photoreceptors in your eyes respond to blue wavelengths of light, and the sequence dictates whether or not the sodium channels of your optic nerve can fully communicate that "blue" to the neurotransmitters in your visual cortex and later hippocampus so that the actin and myosin proteins in the muscle fibers of your face can say, "My wasn't the sky beautiful this morning?" All of it brought to you by proteins in an astronomically improbable exactly right sequence. The sequence gives us life. Hold that thought.
So the cello is a lifeless inanimate object by itself, and when it was in my hands it was not much different. I took a hand in playing it- lets just say you won't be seeing my name in lights next to the word "cello" anytime this fall concert season. I may have been causing it pain, at least judging from the way it sounded when I so clumsily bowed. That said, when it was in our player's hands, it was immediately transformed into an object that was capable of communicating and although there were no physical differences between he and I, I saw that it was the combination of the movements of his fingers that mattered. The sequence of notes communicated to me a subjective experience of beauty and hope made from the same building blocks I had, fingers, strings, and a bow. And yes, even if his sequence deviated slightly, if his intonation faltered, or for a moment was off by a quarter step (he wasn't), how that would change the experience. But if played perfectly, down to the atom, he gives the cello life. As I observed him play Beethoven's ninth, I remarked how every note is perfect, the sequence is perfect, and that he brought the cello to life and it communicated to me.
Maybe Beethoven's ninth symphony has 100,000 notes, lets be generous, 10,000,000 notes. Play them all perfectly and you are moved. It stirs emotions in you. You are moved, inspired, motivated. You make decisions, you now have plans, very important plans. There are 10,000,000 times 10,000,000 proteins in the tip of your pinky finger alone all working exactly perfectly at any given moment. Exactly sequenced, in perfect synchrony, performing on a nanosecond time signature. Include the rest of your body the number is so great, it no longer is a number as we know it. Consider the symphony of proteins vibrating in your body just this moment... the complexity and beauty of your sequence is beyond comprehension. The sequence is you.
I received the communication loud and clear. I am humbled.
8.22.2008
Good vibrations...
This post is specifically for you...
You know who you are.
Today is a big day for you, big changes... but even bigger opportunities.
There is always a little anxiety, maybe a lot of anxiety.
Isn't it funny how naming your fears defangs them?
I am afraid of failing out of school because I believe others will think I'm not qualified, intelligent, successful.
I am afraid that I made the wrong decision because I'm not 100% enthusiastic about it, all the time.
I am afraid of being alone by myself at night because everybody else seems to have someone, it must mean something is wrong with me.
I am afraid of leaving the comfort of my established life because learning a new way is painful sometimes.
I am afraid of living far away from loved ones because I feel less protected.
I am afraid because I don't feel in control, I don't know what to expect, there is a lot that is unknown, I could be hurt, look bad...
Name them. These fears are like vines choking you. You have to follow these fears all the way back to their roots. If you've neglected corners of your garden specific vines may be overgrown, tangled and windy, back and forth, in and out of different rooms, wrapped in hopelessly complex knots, intractably present for the duration. What are you going to do? Unnamed fears will eventually choke you, lead to poor decisions, and missed attempts if not properly handled. But you just can't pull at the vines, they will keep coming back.
Let me ask you something, when you're not anxious- why is that? What is there?
Why are you not afraid to drive to the supermarket?
Why are you not afraid to spend the night with me?
Why are perfectly fearless when it comes to climbing up a rock wall?
Why is there a smile at the thought of a vacation to... oh I don't know, Nantucket?
... Hmmmmmmm, lets think about that.
Because when you do not fear, you are living with faith.
Remember that, faith and fear cannot coexist- they are like positive and negative charges- both cannot be present at the same time and place. Not in these United States, not in this spacetime continuum. Not gonna happen chief.
At the root of all your fears, yes thats right all of them, is a deficit (hopefully temporary) in faith.
When faith gets a hold of the roots of those vines, that's it, the vine dies. No exceptions. Faith is like poison to fear. Then its only a matter of time before the whole nasty thing shrivels, dries, cracks, and disintegrates. From this point forward - easy cleanup.
So, whenever you feel anxious, waste no time -get straight to the root, even if the thing has thorns, go right there, immediately, no coffee break, no warm up. Be rigorous in your self honesty- shine the white light, and see what's living where.
I know you already know this, but you have to have this on the front burner, not the back burner, especially now that you are on a new trajectory. Be aware of your faith in whatever you are doing, from faith in God to the faith that this delicious peach I'm chewing will not kill me.
Then act, without fear.
Acting in faith is the essence of courage.
You're gonna do great, and be fulfilled, challenged, exhausted, bored, alarmed, pissed, panicked, emotional, laughing, and at the end of the day - something strange will be creeping up behind you, stepping lightly with pep and stealth, like a benevolent ninja. All of the sudden tap tap on the shoulder...
"What? I'm tired, can't we do this tomorrow?"
Ninja: "No, turn around, this can't wait."
"Are you sure, I'm very busy, I've got a lot of things to do, and I have to get to bed because I want a full night's rest, I want to be on top of my game tomorrow, cant this wait?"
Ninja: "No, this can't wait, I know you're very busy, you have to turn around."
"Who are you?"
Ninja: "Happiness, I'm happiness, I can sneak up on you because you are busy constructing a productive and fulfilling life. Psssst, you can always find me by not looking for me"
"...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
You know who you are.
Today is a big day for you, big changes... but even bigger opportunities.
There is always a little anxiety, maybe a lot of anxiety.
Isn't it funny how naming your fears defangs them?
I am afraid of failing out of school because I believe others will think I'm not qualified, intelligent, successful.
I am afraid that I made the wrong decision because I'm not 100% enthusiastic about it, all the time.
I am afraid of being alone by myself at night because everybody else seems to have someone, it must mean something is wrong with me.
I am afraid of leaving the comfort of my established life because learning a new way is painful sometimes.
I am afraid of living far away from loved ones because I feel less protected.
I am afraid because I don't feel in control, I don't know what to expect, there is a lot that is unknown, I could be hurt, look bad...
Name them. These fears are like vines choking you. You have to follow these fears all the way back to their roots. If you've neglected corners of your garden specific vines may be overgrown, tangled and windy, back and forth, in and out of different rooms, wrapped in hopelessly complex knots, intractably present for the duration. What are you going to do? Unnamed fears will eventually choke you, lead to poor decisions, and missed attempts if not properly handled. But you just can't pull at the vines, they will keep coming back.
Let me ask you something, when you're not anxious- why is that? What is there?
Why are you not afraid to drive to the supermarket?
Why are you not afraid to spend the night with me?
Why are perfectly fearless when it comes to climbing up a rock wall?
Why is there a smile at the thought of a vacation to... oh I don't know, Nantucket?
... Hmmmmmmm, lets think about that.
Because when you do not fear, you are living with faith.
Remember that, faith and fear cannot coexist- they are like positive and negative charges- both cannot be present at the same time and place. Not in these United States, not in this spacetime continuum. Not gonna happen chief.
At the root of all your fears, yes thats right all of them, is a deficit (hopefully temporary) in faith.
When faith gets a hold of the roots of those vines, that's it, the vine dies. No exceptions. Faith is like poison to fear. Then its only a matter of time before the whole nasty thing shrivels, dries, cracks, and disintegrates. From this point forward - easy cleanup.
So, whenever you feel anxious, waste no time -get straight to the root, even if the thing has thorns, go right there, immediately, no coffee break, no warm up. Be rigorous in your self honesty- shine the white light, and see what's living where.
I know you already know this, but you have to have this on the front burner, not the back burner, especially now that you are on a new trajectory. Be aware of your faith in whatever you are doing, from faith in God to the faith that this delicious peach I'm chewing will not kill me.
Then act, without fear.
Acting in faith is the essence of courage.
You're gonna do great, and be fulfilled, challenged, exhausted, bored, alarmed, pissed, panicked, emotional, laughing, and at the end of the day - something strange will be creeping up behind you, stepping lightly with pep and stealth, like a benevolent ninja. All of the sudden tap tap on the shoulder...
"What? I'm tired, can't we do this tomorrow?"
Ninja: "No, turn around, this can't wait."
"Are you sure, I'm very busy, I've got a lot of things to do, and I have to get to bed because I want a full night's rest, I want to be on top of my game tomorrow, cant this wait?"
Ninja: "No, this can't wait, I know you're very busy, you have to turn around."
"Who are you?"
Ninja: "Happiness, I'm happiness, I can sneak up on you because you are busy constructing a productive and fulfilling life. Psssst, you can always find me by not looking for me"
"...ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ"
8.19.2008
Orientation Pt.1
At 9AM Monday morning the check-in and welcome tables were staffed by bright beautiful second year medical students ready introduce us incoming first years to our new lives. I had moved in the previous Saturday night, and so like everything else in my life I tried to be early, or ahead, or upstream. See, even if it doesn't matter, even if there could be no possible benefit, I strive to be prepared, or ready. Because, what if it could somehow matter? There are a lot things of which I'm blissfully unaware, so what if this is another drop in the bucket of "I knew not"? Its this type of reasoning that among other decisions most recently informed my choice for the ultra small, ultra cheap 7'x15' "railroad suite" with indirect river view dorm room. Anybody could sense my delight as I skipped down the hallway smugly feasting on the thought of my future savings and humming, "I'm paying half of what everybody else is, and at such and such interest rate compounded annually I'm saving..." In any case, I was present before the table promptly by a quarter of nine and received my schedule for the week's events. Among the highlights were billiards night, dinner and theater (Broadway of course), boat cruise with dental, Hippocratic Oath, and finally the "master" promissory note signing. Interspersed between these events were scavenger hunts, upper class and faculty lunches, administrative lectures, field day competitions, trivia nights, interest group fairs, and exploratory trips (think museums, harbors, shopping). One of the second-year staffers was able to identify me because she was my sister's college roommate and recognized my name. It felt nice to have made a connection, no matter how small.
The first event of the day was to meet with our orientation group and team leader... at 2:30PM. So much for being ready! I used the time to buy a fitted sheet for my mattress, wander around the Dominican Republic... I mean the Heights, check on produce prices (peaches are cheap), and see about acquiring that hot plate I needed to make instant espresso in my room every morning. With time to spare, I played basketball with a newly acquainted first year. Finally at 2:20 PM, I found myself in a classroom as my fellow classmates began to shuffle in, I was so excited to meet our group. Our leader introduced himself. We have an Olympic athlete in our class, a swimmer. One guy worked for the Department of Defense for ten years before coming here. I asked him if he thought our current war was necessary. What do you think he said? He said, "its a terrible waste" Another girl was a child star and singer. This guy right here, he played at Carnegie Hall. This other guy grew up on an oil compound in Saudi Arabia. Everyone was very accomplished and interesting. To break the ice we played a game called "two truths and a lie". Its actually a pretty good way to get to know someone, you say two things that are true and the third is a lie... then let everyone else figure it out. Good class.
8.11.2008
Of Francis Bacon
Sir Francis Bacon was a sixteenth century English theologian, philosopher, scientist, and statesman. He is absolutely one of my favorite authors; his writings provide immense insight into my own life. It is with great pleasure that I introduce whosoever reads this blog to some of his work!
"Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider." - Of Empire
Words like that make me smile. Ok here we go...
Of Wisdom's for a man's self...
"...Divide with reason between self-love and society, and be so true to thyself as thou be not false to others... It is a poor center of a man's actions, himself. The referring of all to a man's self is more tolerable in a sovereign prince, his good and evil is at peril of the public fortune. But it is a desperate evil in a citizen in a republic. For whatsoever affairs pass such a man's hand, he crooketh them to his own ends. And this is the case of bad officers, treasurers, ambassadors, generals, and other false and corrupt servants, which set a bias... of their own petty ends and envies. And certainly it is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. And yet these men many times hold credit with their masters, because their study is but to please them and profit themselves..."
"Wisdom for a man's self is a depraved thing. It is the wisdom of rats, that will be sure to leave a house somewhat before it fall... It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour... But that which is specially to be noted is, that those which are sui amantes sine rivali [lovers of themselves without rivals] are many times unfortunate. And whereas they have all their time sacrificed to themselves, they become in the end themselves sacrifices to the inconstancy of fortune, whose wings they thought to have pinioned by their self wisdom."
Did you take anything from that?
Here's another,
Of Riches...
"I cannot call riches better than the baggage of virtue. The roman word is better, impedimenta. For as the baggage is to an army, so is riches to virtue, it can not be spared or left behind... Of great riches there is no real use, except it be in the distribution; the rest is but conceit. So saith Solomon, "Where much is, there are many to consume it; and what hath the owner but the sight of it with his eyes?" ... Do you not see what feigned prices are set upon little stones and rarities, and what works of ostentation are undertaken, because there might be some use of great riches? But then you will say, they may be of use to buy men out of dangers or troubles. As Solomon saith, "Riches are as a stronghold in the imagination of the rich man." But this is excellently expressed, that it is in imagination, and not always in fact. For certainly great riches have sold more men than they have bought. Seek not proud riches, but such as thou mayest get justly, use soberly, distribute cheerfully, and leave contentedly. Have no abstract nor friarly contempt of them... But distinguish, as Cicero saith well, "In his keeness to increase his wealth it was apparent that he was not seeking a prey for avarice to feed upon, but an instrument for good to work with"... Hearken also to Solomon, and beware of hasty gathering of riches, "He who makes haste to be rich shall not be innocent"... Plutus (which is riches) when sent from Jupiter, limps, but when sent from Pluto, is swift of foot: meaning that riches gotten by good means and just labour pace slowly, but when they come by the death of others, they come tumbling upon man... But it ought be applied likewise to Pluto, taking him for the devil, for when riches come from the devil (as by fraud and oppression and unjust means), they come upon speed..."
"The gains of ordinary trades and vocations are honest, and furthered by two things chiefly: by diligence, and by a good name for good and fair dealing... When a man buys to not to hold, but to sell over again, that commonly grindeth double, both upon the seller and the buyer. Usury is the certainest means of gain, though one of the worst, as that whereby a man doth eat his bread in the sweat of another man's brow... the fortune in being the first in an invention or in a privilege doth cause sometimes a wonderful overgrowth in riches, as it was with the first sugar man in the Canaries... He that resteth upon gains shall hardly grow to great riches, and he that puts all upon adventures doth oftentimes break and come to poverty... Riches gotten by service, though it be of the best rise, yet when they are gotten by flattery and other servile conditions, they may be placed amongst the worst... believe not much them that seem to despise riches, for they despise them that despair of them; and none worse when they come to them. Be not pennywise; riches have wings, and sometimes they fly away of themselves, sometimes they must be set flying to bring in more... A great state left to an heir is as a lure to all the birds of prey round about to seize on him, if he be not the better established in years and judgement. Likewise, glorious gifts and foundations are like sacrifices without salt... which soon will putrefy and corrupt inwardly. Therefore measure not thine advancements by quantity, but frame them by measure and defer not charity till death."
What do you think? Does this still hold up in today's world? Thats a tough one to answer. See you next time.
8.10.2008
Dear Mr. Edwards
Hi John
I'm not going to get on a soapbox and lambast you for having an affair- I have never met you and that's your business. I'm sorry for your wife and family (bear in mind that women have had their lives crushed for far far less than what you did). What I care about with regard to your behavior is that you lied. As a man, you lied. Seriously, you lied, and then you tried to cover it up. Finally, after you realized you had no way of avoiding the mess you created for yourself with more lies, you did the right thing and "came clean". You admitted it, like a "man". And as a man, I find that intolerable. You tried to get around your problems instead of going through them. You abused your power (of which you have plenty) and attempted to whitewash your sin. What did you think? You would just continue to get away with it?
Moreover, you are a leader, a United States Senator! People are supposed to look up to you, apparently, and this is how you acted? Running into a bathroom (cozy up with the poor sad Larry Craig)? I would laugh at you if your actions didn't cause so much damage. And thats just it, you, I say you, John Edwards (and all other like you), are corroding this country because you have this damn "something for nothing" attitude. Where did you acquire such narcissistic pride? From your wealth? From your status? You need to get low, real low.
While on the subject of lies, what else have you lied about? Or, are you not ready to "step up and face your mistake" until all available equivocations and plausible denials have been attempted? I personally think you have too much comfort in life. I'll bet you take things for granted that would be the height of luxury for a person like me, and you are also probably too caught up in your own reflection.
Who's the father? Do the right thing, don't steamroll yet another life. If its yours -claim it. If not, then its "not your problem". In any event, you are newly obliged (given your party to this debacle, ahem... excuse me, love triangle) to identify the real "baby's daddy"
Stop lying.
Eugene Scharf
8.04.2008
What you will be reading.
Hello and welcome to neurological ketchup! Please read on.
My name is Eugene Scharf and the purpose of this blog is to describe the experience of my life. The following topics are central to my life and as such will probably contribute the bulk of postings.
-Brain science, cognition, and intelligence.
-Life as a medical student at an ivy league school.
-The importance of a good family, and why it doesn't matter even if you didn't have one.
-Applicable positive psychology.
-Life advice, quotes, lessons, diversions etc.
-Sobriety, addiction (in all its forms), convictions, getting clean and dirty.
-Spiritual entropy, the importance of love and faith. (no pushiness, only relating of experience)
-Fear, anxiety, pride, vanity, the troubles with comparing lives.
-Money and why it seems that all of life's problems would be over if only I worked at a hedge fund...
-Time, and the what could be done with it.
-much much much more...
OK please enjoy yourself, comment where you like, keep it constructive.
My name is Eugene Scharf and the purpose of this blog is to describe the experience of my life. The following topics are central to my life and as such will probably contribute the bulk of postings.
-Brain science, cognition, and intelligence.
-Life as a medical student at an ivy league school.
-The importance of a good family, and why it doesn't matter even if you didn't have one.
-Applicable positive psychology.
-Life advice, quotes, lessons, diversions etc.
-Sobriety, addiction (in all its forms), convictions, getting clean and dirty.
-Spiritual entropy, the importance of love and faith. (no pushiness, only relating of experience)
-Fear, anxiety, pride, vanity, the troubles with comparing lives.
-Money and why it seems that all of life's problems would be over if only I worked at a hedge fund...
-Time, and the what could be done with it.
-much much much more...
OK please enjoy yourself, comment where you like, keep it constructive.
8.03.2008
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