Med school exams

The first block of med school exams have come and gone. Science basic and anatomy, writtens and practicals. Its a Monday afternoon and many are already on their merry way to bars or setting up their beer pong tables... hilarious. There was much hullabalo (right?) about them, lots of sobered neurotic concerns, and guess what? Here is the truth of medical school exams. Dear premeds, this one is for you:

Assuming you study (and I'm pretty sure you know how to study), it will be much harder to fail a med school exam than it was actually being accepted. There you have it, I said it, damn me to hell. Next subject...


I received some bills today funny that they all came on the same day:
Lab fees for at most 10 minutes, bloodwork to get into medschool even though I was employed at the time but my employer couldn't provide insurance: $340
Phone bill despite Keiretsu system (google it) Columbia University discount: $55
Additional surprise anatomy lab fee: $50
Plane ticket for Turkey-Day: $350
Pro-rated daily med school tuition: $261.11 (yep, every day even on Rosh Hashanah)
Minimum student loan payment from other tuition bill: $205

Total for today: 1,216.11.
Take out my plane ticket, evenso education is a very expensive proposition.
So where is my bailout? - Why the hell are we bailing out parasite bankers who survive SOLELY because of interest, instead of me or some person with an actual skill? Tell me what is the difference? Honestly- what the hell is the difference? (as a young man I admired bankers, I despise them now, and I will be happy to tell it to there face anytime I get a chance, I get fired up just thinking about it)

Harken to Thessalonians 3:10 "He that shall not work, neither shall he eat"

Hmmmm let me think... wait a minute, aaaaahhh I have an idea - my tuition is paid to the school, so they have their "money". Ok, now some bank owns my promise to repay a total capitalized principal at the end of this four year waltz, God willing hopefully less than $200,000.

Here is the point where I take a page out the playbook of our leaders: at this point I will imitate those executive members of the Federal Reserve and commercial banking institutions and regretfully inform my lenders that certain "assets" on my balance sheet turned out to be less than viable than my earlier risk analyses indicated, but I will say this with a very remorseful and humble tone - yes just like Paulson and Bernanke, let them know how dreadfully sorry I am. Furthermore I will inform them that unless I'm immediately bailed out, many people will suffer and die as a result of my inability to provide medical care. Here is where I will take pains to inform them that there is not time enough to think and asking questions or wanting to know what happened is counterproductive, and that we need to retire the entire debt or at most settle for 10 cents on the dollar.

Not bad eh? Just might work right? No? But wait, they did it... No, I won't be... wait... what?

Assholes.

Director: Wait a minute, cut... cut cut cut. Gene, OK, I think I understand where your going with this- but this scene isn't being played out with 100 percent sincerity, right? I mean, don't you remember from Sunday school, Matthew 22:21 "Render unto Caesar's things which are Caesar's" So what do you care about all this debt, unless there is still some part of you that desires those things that belong to Caesar?

Gene: ... well, yeah. But does a house and a car belong to Caesar? It seems like I never have enough, like I'm being pulled under water, always gasping for air. I mean $7,000 a year for living expenses in NYC, c'mon, I'd rather deal drugs.

Director: ...what is this melodrama? You told me in your audition that these things didn't matter so long as you had your health, family, good food, freedom etc... Why the change now? Because you have to live your words? Even now as you are in the prime of youth, you're concerned with the future, why all the weight? Why when you have everything you need do you still worry and fret?

Gene: Because I could lose it at any moment. I see all the waste, lying, and bullshit around me (bailout, Long Island Railroad retirement disability scandal, the war), it doesn't seem fair and I'm afraid. It seems like it would be more efficient to lie, to cheat with a smile. It seems like that is what happens in the world, who am I to impose my notion of justice on it? I'm conflicted, festooned with doubts.

Director: I'm sorry, but have you read the script in its entirety? Right, I didn't think so. Hang in there, stay positive and maybe I won't kill you off :) Look, you are afraid. That is what this always boils down to. I see it in everyone. Fear. Your fear response is both your greatest asset and most obvious vulnerability. I will explain it to you and hopefully you will understand and move forward-
Your fear response is adaptive for the same reason that you are a strong chess player. It allows you to think ahead, apply the past, plan, and predict. With proper fear you successfully navigate your environment. When you preside over your fears, they can drive productive activity. Very healthy and adaptive right? Congratulations. BUT you, who are especially sensitive to fear, are also vulnerable if it mounts up, or if it is displaced onto something you can't control. You can't control what some asshole is going to do in the same way you can control a chess piece and it drives you nuts. In fact, your sense of fear is so hyperdeveloped as a result of disciplined scientific thinking, that the notion of letting go of them hits you as an obvious admission of denial - a notion toxic to your quest for truth. And here is where your particular fear has been compounded by today, triggered by the bailout, bankers, or other nonsense. You realize that if people were chess pieces the world would be a lot safer and easier to predict and control, and you also realize that there are a lot of people who have more power and money than you who suffer your same fear and have also realized this. So you fear that the actions of a few are leading to an impingement on your freedom and happiness. So your defense mechanism is to say give to Caesar what is Caesar, don't worry about money - but you still do not truly believe it-nope not in the same way you believe in gravity. That is why your scene is insincere. Well I have some good news and some bad news for you and the good news is the same as the bad- You are already a pawn. Don't kid yourself. But that is ok, because you have only one move - forward and this should paradoxically give you the freedom you desire. Move forward and pray you are not sacrificed for some larger cause, because yes you are right, there are in this world probably those individuals you fear. But do not get insincere by becoming all biblical about money unless you truly mean it - my sense is that you are just strapped, and if you had a vacation, more cash, or nicer living arrangements than your current cube your anxieties would be released, and this is a situation you can control.

Gene: oh... But can I still despise bankers?

Director: Yes, I insist on it. They all die in the next scene anyway. Ok lets go, take two...

Another Sunny Sunday

The concept of relative deprivation is a hell of a thing.

I am rich and not rich at the same time. Here see for yourself.

If you were to compare my bank account, assets, debts, to those of my friends (the ones who are roughly equal or greater in age to mine) you would certainly find my audits to be woefully inadequate. Its true, I confess I could have done a lot better, I probably should have been more focused on money, should own a home by now, or just more generally feel like a "financial adult" - (picture fantasies of tropical vacations, expensive clothes, fat wads of cash in pocket etc)

But consider that roughly one quarter of the world's population survives on less than $1 (or something like that) a day??? Yet I have never met one of them because I live in a different fishtank. And this condition is perfect breeding ground for the notion of relative deprivation (and when your friends/colleagues work in the hedge fund and private equity world the effect is magnified exponentially)- I'm not suffering- not even close jack (actually I'm flourishing but I'll get to that), yet when I look around my particular fishbowl, it would seem (and has for awhile) as if I'm starving. For as long as I remember, and with feelings stronger than I care to admit, an unending well of personal dissatisfaction and feelings of inadequacy born of this relative "deprivation" has been at the root of so many comically wrong thoughts and hence blunderous mistakes in my personal conduct. I believe this world has so cleverly evoked my many immature responses for these primary reasons:

1. I lacked (or lost) the honest pursuit of personal understanding and insight (living blindly).
2. I had more limited life experience (unavoidable aspect of youth).
3. I have perseverated on my comparative lack of wealth (a fear based and totally neurotic exercise in futility).

But Gene, you're a rational guy. You're intelligent, you didn't just fall off the back of a turnip truck. How's this possible? How did this happen?

Well, lets rewind to an earlier time, lets delve deeply into my head and sample the voices inside, ask them about money:

A. "Women say lot of things, but they end up going home with the guy who has money. Actions speak louder than words"
B. "Money gets you respect, when people talk about people, they say things like 'he's loaded, he makes bank, he gets paid' so there you go"
C. "Money protects you from the badness of the world"
D. "You have to be rich to be happy"

Textbook black and white thinking. These thoughts are only partially correct, which is to say wrong.

Modify these statements with a little experience and understanding.

A. Yes, I have seen this many times. The rich guy gets the girls. See? Get rich. But first, consider the woman. Do you want this type of women, and if so why? Next and way more importantly, what's that say about you pal? Aren't there more women than rich guys here tonight anyway? Oh, but you want only the pretty ones? So aren't you just as bad as they are? Wait a minute, aren't there women NOT here right now? Can I ask you something? Seriously, what the hell are you doing here right now? You are putting on "airs" and after all fooling no one but yourself. Go home, go to bed, get up at 5AM and spend your life getting after whatever it is that you love but are obviously too afraid to admit much less do - I promise you - lead your life and women will beat a path to your door.

B. "So and so is loaded (with stars in eyes)... So and so makes bank (barely able to contain their salivations)... See how people talk about people who make money? Its gets you respect." OK, again, its true, we've all heard this so many times. First - listen closely to whoever is saying these things. It will tell you more about them than anything else. It took a long time for me to figure this out, but talking about money (especially when its not even yours) is fear response, and a never-failing sign of insecurity. Have you said these things? (the answer is yes we all have) Well what does that say about me? Ignore the luckless mouths of fools, live by your actions and lift others up who need it, lead by honesty and good principles, I promise your reputation will be stratospheric by comparison.

C. "Money can be a fire-wall, it protects you from the badness of the world." Who could argue with this? The only thing that remains to be determined is the amount. Guess what? It's not much, you already have the amount that provides you the best coverage money can buy. Health insurance, good food, sanitation, modest home. Physiologically speaking (because we are talking about health), the rest is luxury. Actually, the true protection comes from your relationships, actions, and habits formed and cemented every day, over time- Exercise? Right thoughts? Right occupation? Right faith? C'mon, plus, it can be said that too much money courts the badness of the world. Let me ask you this, what would you rather have going into your old age? Plenty of money, few friends. Or plenty of friends, little money. When you're 85 and near defenseless, do you really think every hired nurse, lawyer, estate executor, will truly have your best interests in mind? Think again.

D. "Money can make you happy." With a little more insight I have decided, after hearing multiple times from multiple sources,

Money doesn't make you happy, but lack of it will all but guarantee your misery [sic].

So where does that leave me? Somewhat older, somewhat more centered. Somewhat more.

I have enough money, and thats what lets me put this to bed. The rest is just making sure I am aware of this, in moments of weakness, fear, envy, fatigue, and cowardice.

Finally, I have a few things that are arguably more important, I'll list em:

A loving family, on whom I can depend, and who can easily depend on me.
I'm in the prime of my youth, in top physical condition and in perfect health.
A wonderful panoply of characters, to whom I express devoted friendship.
A tireless, relentless spirit. Its like I've tapped a keg of pure energy and I have brought a very large stein. Fill it up baby!
A very healthy fear of God. (say it again, its worth repeating)
A very healthy fear of God. (you better believe it chief)
A fine and practiced appreciation of the little things - coffee and oranges on a gorgeous Sunday morning. The high from breezy blue skies. Beta-endorphins release, good music, trust me it goes on...
I'm blessed to be able to spend my life in the pursuit of ways my own, in the study and practice of an art designed to free others from pain and suffering.


Don't just jog, move your ass.
Instead of going to sleep, crash out from the day.
8am-5pm M-F cut the chit chat, get to brass tacks.
Working out? Na, try putting out.
Don't just study, think.
Apply the time.


I'm sorry, did somebody say something about money?